ClusterLabs, Block C – When most students think of time, they also often think of the work attached to it and how every last moment of their time will be entirely consumed by the time hungry oppressive juggernaut known as School. Due to this, physicists have always imagined that in fact, ‘free time’, time that is unattached to work, cannot possibly exist. Estimations obtained from computer models have all but proven this hypothesis.

Leading RSI researcher Dr. Bingley pictured above.

However, after spending hours attempting to manipulate  indecipherable equations in unimaginable ways, the boffins from the RA, in conjunction with the RSI have proposed the existence of this ‘free time‘. Their research, while still in its infancy, is a beacon of hope to school students looking for some unproductive way to spend the pseudo-breaks school give them.

The implications of these findings, if true, would be huge. If it is in fact possible for students to spend time away from school work, it will radically change the way they feel about school and will likely make them happier and less stressed.

Here’s The Catch

There are however, several major obstacles the researchers have yet to overcome. The largest of them is the famed Universal Free Time Minimisation Theorem which hypothesizes that any increase in a student’s availability will be automatically offset by an implicit increase in the workload. This has been observed in the ability of schools and apparent amusement they derive in placing examinations immediately after government mandated holidays. Because there appears to be no decency in this cruel world.

Further, their experiments have only been successful in small-scale temporal experiments lasting less than 3 x 10¹¹ ns, with test subjects reporting a diverse range of adverse symptoms including overwhelming contrition and a general sense of delinquency. “We’ve even noticed withdrawal symptoms in several test subjects as they overwhelm themselves with work,” notes Dr. Bingley. His diligent disciples also mention observing the subjects snaeking, a term coined by Dr. Bingley.

Concerning Snaeks

It refers to subjects covertly immersing themselves in work whilst feigning rest. Unfortunately, the experiment reportedly involved a very small sample size. RSI declined to comment on the exact number, and “neither confirms nor denies” that fewer than 5 subjects were used. A researcher at the laboratory at midnight speaking on the condition of anonymity admitted it was “difficult” to find test subjects as the vast majority were “extremely reluctant” to volunteer stating they had “no time”.

The RSI’s research will still have to be subject to intensive peer review, though this is expected to be a very slow process due to the temporal sacrifices involved and the fact that Dr. Bingley earned his title by serving as a Spin Doctor for Robert Millikan. Dr. Bingley admits he does not expect to live long enough for his findings to be validated.