Evidently motivated by our coverage of Council, droves of students have yet again applied to serve the school. Waffle Press reports.
The process to become a councillor began in February, when students were asked to fill out a lengthy application form. We caught up with some Council hopefuls to find out what they thought about this part of the process.
Nominee Kay Zee Boon, talking about what a person who dislikes him would say, told reporters “my haters see me rollin’ and they almost certainly hatin’ cos they can never catch me ridin’ dirty”. He maintained his position that people who disliked him were simply overwhelmed by his incorrigibility and general greatness.
An ELL student who failed to even make it to the interviews explained that the question on council being an exclusive group had to be rhetorical since it was literally on an application form. A councillor we reached out to on the matter exasperatedly said “Council is not that exclusive. How would you guys know? You’re not in it.”
The form also established that the election process for Council was built on the solid pillar of “What’s right isn’t always popular, what’s popular isn’t always right.”
This set the stage for the intensive interviews, which like any truly democratic system, was the most selective portion of the Council application process. Students who passed the interviews are now preparing their speeches and campaigns for the election.
In preparation for the elections, the school’s administration has implemented a series of sweeping changes to how students can campaign and how votes will be cast.
Presumably due to massive manpower shortages in House Directorates, the election will implement an MMPR (mixed member proportional representation) system, enhancing democracy by giving students a certain number of votes they can only cast within their house.
Students we spoke to appeared alarmed about the move, with many of them realising that they had forgotten which house they were in roughly a week after orientation.
In a bid to raise voter turnout, voting will take place on OAS sheets. Election officials hope this will convince students that the Council election is in fact a test, encouraging them to partake in it more enthusiastically. Experts at the Millikan Institute believe this will also invoke students’ oath to “do [their] best what e’er the test”, an obligation usually restricted to common tests and examinations.
Literary scholars from the former colony of the now-sovereign democratic Republic of HP were however divided on whether the “newfangled OAS sheets” was a metaphor for the shadiness of the election process or were the physical embodiment of Satan. Nonetheless, they were all able to agree that OAS’ resistance to smoke made them ideal for hazy weather conditions.
With these changes in place, nominees are now entering the heated competition for the coveted position of “Sai Kang Warrior”.
We contacted an election analyst at the Millikan Institute who was quick to address confusion over why students would work this hard for the rare opportunity to get more work. He suggested that this might be partially attributed to the wild success of the CIP program, which teaches students to engage in service in exchange for resumé content.
He also dismissed the idea that the process was undemocratic, praising the administration for retaining the Council election speeches during assembly despite doing away with recognising individuals’ co-curricular achievements. He explained that the unrealistic campaign promises made during speeches reassured voters that the system was indeed a world class democracy.
Our reporters also scoured the canteen looking for the ground sentiment. While a number of students had yet to process the fact that the Fruit Plus being given out was unrelated to Halloween, a handful of engaged voters we spoke to were enthusiastic about the Council election.
One voter we spoke to mentioned that he would be voting for (REDACTED) because she had promised to be a “voice for the student body”. He then said “wait, having said it out loud, what does that even mean” before dropping to the ground and convulsing in existential despair for the better part of four minutes.
Students who had been through Y1-4 seemed markedly more jaded, with most of them questioning why nominees went on talking about service when “everyone is just going to vote for the 10 people whose names they remember”.
We also approached Ai Suan Yu, an aspiring councillor and the younger brother of renowned snaek Ai Suan Guan, as he was doing his rounds disturbing voters early in the morning. Suan Yu told reporters “Wait till the universities get a load of my CCA achievements, Council involvement and stunning Cambodia service work. They are going to love me.”
When asked about his positions on school policies, he threw a fistful of confectionaries at the reporters before hissing “FRUIT PLUS!” and jumping into the Biodiversity Pond.
The editors were disappointed to note that no student has vowed to tackle the rampant problem of water wastage at leaking water coolers (despite the issue being raised here and here). We promise our full faith and endorsement to any candidate who makes this his/her primary campaign issue.
We will continue to track the election as it develops.
ISSUED IN PUBLIC INTEREST:
Several students have reported seeing ex-student Jess See together with a number of strangers pretending to be a Council nominee named Morpheus and handing out unlabelled bottles of pills to students, promising that it will make them feel “morphenomenal”. The ‘campaign group’ goes by the name Mighty Morphine Power Rangers (coincidentally also MMPR). All students are advised to resist the temptation to accept the pills regardless of the group’s various claims related to “invincibility” and “the Matrix”.