Researchers Astounded By School Geography

A team of researchers from the NUS Geological Survey and the Millikan Institute For Applied Sciences recently conducted an in depth study of the geographical characteristics of the school. Their work was published last week in the journal Beagle Eye.

Learning from school founder Sir Thomas Bingley, the team assessed the suitability of the school as a trading hub and transshipment port. They concluded that the strategic location of the school between 2 MRT stations made it an ideal port for seafaring trade on the MacRitchie Reservoir. The team clarified that this was unrelated to the many ‘ships’ gregarious students are known for synthesising.

The researchers then shifted their attention to the weather station doodad in the school, finding that it provided a simple dichotomy between “hot” and “wet”. By meticulously poring over years’ worth of records, they were able to tell us with confidence that the lightning alert does indeed sound when it is sunny outside and fail to sound when it rains.

The team’s finest geologists were also able to confirm that the CCA known only as Rock is not in fact actually rock and that Bob Dylan is not a famous geologist. They instead explained that the name followed a tradition of slightly misleading names initiated by The Rolling Stones. We cannot confirm what they were rolling or why they were stoned.

Water engineers from the research team expressed concern about the excessive usage of scarce resources in the school. This is especially relevant due to the depletion of water in the Johor reservoir. In their paper, they included water saving recommendations for the school to take into consideration.

The first of these was the reduction of water usage in the Chemistry Labs. Researchers suggested that the Department of Chemistry stop insisting on thorough washing and instead officially adopt the policy of “faith in the previous user” that was already used by a considerable number of students.

They also pointed to the school’s water coolers that are renowned for spraying water at users and at the floor. While they admit that this is an effective way to combat the region’s warm climate, they nonetheless had their reservations about the overall benefits of such a measure.

Perhaps of greatest significance, the team was able to pinpoint the reason behind the several “peaks of excellence” in the school as well as its proximity to Suan Mountain. As it turns out, the school sits on a major fault line at the intersection of two large tectonic plates. The forces resulting from the contact of these plates is said to form the mountains.

Due to these plates, there are also a number of volcanoes in close proximity to the school which in turn spew vast quantities of smoke and hot air. This revelation sent shockwaves throughout the school as students debated whether a greater quantity of smoke was produced by the volcanoes or the Sovereign Democratic Republic of HP.

The plates are also likely to be responsible for a series of earthquakes throughout the school’s history providing a possible solution to a problem that has puzzled students for several years now.

The researchers postulate that a massive earthquake could have resulted in substantial structural strain resulting in a misalignment of the two ends of the campus. If this hypothesis is correct, it sufficiently explains the formation of the mysterious 1M floor and the quasi-basement that houses the lockers and the council canteen.

The curious geography of the area has further produced a variety of air currents that continue to perplex even those on the Geography Deans’ List. The unearthly breeze sweeping continuously through the aptly-named Windy Benches and the foyer of the SR block has been attributed to a pair of forces known only as el milo and lah ninja. Students in the vicinity of these areas noted the “love-hate” relationship they share- enjoying the cool climate but continuously scurrying to retrieve their flying notes.

This situation has piqued the interest of the Physics Department, which set up shop in these two regions recently. Cartloads of light strings, frictionless slopes and magical batteries were transported over to partake in the “the biggest physics experiment ever”. Several Physics students volunteered to contribute to this huge project, making use of their SPA skills and expertise in Measurements to construct a breathtaking Rube Goldberg machine. With the aid of this elaborate set-up, the Department hopes to exploit this source of unlimited energy to help the institution cope with the budget cuts it faces.

All students are encouraged to consult our school’s resident IGO 1st runner up if they have any questions.