Students Deprived Of Opportunity To Get Down On Friday

A slew of exciting activities planned by the school administration has promised to keep students productively engaged this Friday. Waffle Press reports.

The first of these activities is an exciting hour-long forum. School policy enthusiasts and chronic insomniacs were delighted to learn that the school would be conducting a session in which high ranking officials would tackle some school-approved concerns students have about existing school policy.

Waffle Press caught up with prominent HSTA member Paul Lee Tee Shen at the “Model United Nations Diplomacy Shindig”. Paul could barely conceal his excitement, describing the previous forum as ‘riveting’ and explaining that school policy was one of his favourite hobbies, second only to practicing filling out PSC scholarship application forms.


Model UN: So useless, it’s practically the real thing

While he expressed sympathy for our pet issue of water cooler degeneration, he confessed that his primary policy concern was the rule against tattoos, lamenting the fact that it prevented him from tattooing Henry Kissinger’s face on his forearm.

The Students’ Council has long been searching for an innovative way to engage the student body. A spokesperson explained that after much brainstorming, Council has managed to revolutionize the dialogue as we know it, by doing away with the hassle of two-way communication and instead having all questions submitted online and answered unilaterally.

Analysts at the Millikan Institute have praised the format of the forum, pointing out that having questions thoroughly examined beforehand would streamline discourse by limiting the discussion to questions that the school has answers to.

They suggested that administrators take the additional step of writing the questions themselves, allowing for questions align even better with what they wanted to talk about anyway.

Despite this, disgruntled students have been reported to have submitted questions like “why even bother having a forum if you’ll refuse to answer the real questions?” and “are you paying too much for your car insurance?”

After the forum, the entire Y6 cohort will be taken for a track and field match support event.

The match support event will serve as an important academic lesson for students, who on attempting to understand the random assortment of running and jumping will learn to appreciate the relative regularity that GP provides.

By sending this unprecedented number of students to the event, administrators also hope that the school will be able to crowd out groups from other schools, earning our institution a respectable A for effort. This would give the school  a moral victory – of the sort one obtains from a participation certificate – regardless of the actual competition results.

At press time, opinion polls indicate that support for the match was low, and support for the match support was lower still. Nonetheless, the editors at the Waffle Press hope students will find it in them to get by and wish the athletes competing tomorrow all the best.