As previously reported by the Waffle Press, the 2015 A level results were the greatest in the history of the country. Waffle Press reports.
Re-entering the multi-purpose hall after 3 months sent visible shudders down the spines of students, as they recollected the borderline unsafe levels of rekt they had been exposed to during the examinations.
Many of the male students who had just returned from the jungles of Tekong were ecstatic to be back on Ujong, sparing no opportunity to talk about their experience. Many were seen comparing the number of shades darker they were and the shininess of their bald heads.
Several students not in the know professed confusion about why their peers were talking about the colour of the horses in their companies. Investigation by reporters revealed that while Singapore’s military is technologically advanced, the island is surrounded by water and therefore requires vehicles that can swim. Horses are a natural choice since all amphibious vehicles have been deployed in the Suntec City region.
After all the ex-students had streamed in and been repeatedly told to sit, high ranking school officials proceeded to share the batch’s results with the restless audience. This once again was a prime opportunity for the young conscripts to display their extensive practice with waiting.
Several students we spoke to after the talk were incredibly glad that the school spent time sharing the exceptional results. Straight U student Ji Ji Leow told reporters “I’m so glad the school told me that 28.4% of students had a UAS of 90. When I heard I catastrophically failed, I was so happy for the school that I didn’t feel sad one bit.”
Well known closet mugger Ai Suan Guan was similarly pleased saying “Sure I have more A’s than friends, but I wouldn’t have been nearly as happy if I didn’t know that 4 superhumans scored 9 distinctions”.
Other students were amused by the irony of their results, with such combinations as “USAUSA”, “UCAS” and “SUTD” sending a clear message about their college admission chances.
After the result collection, the four member “9 Distinction Master Race” was seen being escorted onto a military vehicle headed for a eugenics program in the remote Pulau NTU Medical Centre.
In order to understand the school’s exceptional economics results, we went to tutor Mr Yew Dun Ngoh, Jack. Mr Yew attributed it to the decade of hard work tutors had put in to game the syllabus, finding innovative prefabricated paragraphs to turn economics from a humanities subject into a science.
This alchemy was not responsible for the 56% GP A rate however. Many gobsmacked GP tutors were seen buried in maths notes on independent random variables, trying to find the likelihood that they could pull off such a stunt again. In a national effort to boost GP performance, the government has begun highlighting the importance of environmental and energy policy by taxing electric vehicles and tunneling through nature reserves.
Budding rapper Rich Homie Guan also weighed in on the results with a freestyle verse titled “There Can Only Be Juan (Mata385)”. He was seen outside the ISH saying
“He’s a constrictor no joke, he’ll make you choke
While he’s not bouncing smoking coke
Oh look at him hiss, he’s pissed at this diss
Thank god snakes have no fists
People run but Juan slithers
In the library he dithers
Lifelong deprived of hugs
He preys on rats and large bugs”
Current students can expect to enjoy a long weekend thanks to the fact that this year’s LC Day falls on a Friday. Students are also petitioning the school to give more days off to cut utilities spending and cope with budget cuts. As the Notorious B.I.G. has pointed out, “Mo Money, Mo Problems”.
We wish all the recently graduated students luck in whatever they choose to do next.