Students Face Medical Emergency

As a consequence of the prolonged assault on students’ morales by the SEAB, students islandwide are finding themselves completely incapable of giving a shit. Waffle Press reports.

The severe constipation appears to be afflicting a large portion of the A-level-taking population. Many are finding themselves so utterly fed up by the extended senseless massacre of their grades that they now have absolutely no reason to care any more.

Several students have compared it to IBS, not only because it is an irritating pain in the arse but also because IB students, whose exams are over, have been smugly gloating for the past few days. They were however careful to note that any comparison to IBS ended there as any capability of theirs to defecate excessively had been depleted by the unending procurement of bullshit that was required for Economics.

We approached several Biology students hoping to better understand this problem afflicting students. However, most were still reeling from the shock of seeing Math questions in an otherwise pure regurgitation subject and were therefore in no state to provide any coherent information.

The phenomenon is believed to have been triggered by recent events carefully engineered by sadistic examiners.

Immediately on opening their Economics papers, many students were forced to reckon with the harsh reality that they may not be able to make it to University. While some believe that the question was in fact a veiled jab at Nick Clegg from the economists at Cambridge, others insist that the blow dealt by the invisible hand was in fact a carefully calculated move to reduce the resources allocated to Universities by denying students entry to them.

Students are only now beginning to come to terms with the fact that they may in fact spend the rest of their lives as turd polishers living out of supermarket trollies. Nonetheless, they hope to petition Universities by claiming that “you can’t spell University without U”.

A prominent tutor who chose not to be named has postulated that the papers were aimed at keeping more students in school, thereby increasing the effectiveness of exchange rate appreciation assemblies.

More intellectual students are claiming that their digestive woes were in fact triggered by the quote “we are restructuring to become more competitive, not less”, a quote that was so painfully useless that it is being considered for the “No Shit Award 2015”.

Chemistry did not prove significantly more helpful. Evidently unable to shake off their love for alternative energy sources, the paper introduced students to DMF. Attempts by the chemistry boffins at Cambridge to engage the youth by providing diagrams in eye popping 3D were effectively thwarted by the fact that 3D chemistry diagrams are the most terrifying thing one can find in a Chemistry paper.

Barring the occasional Pharm Chem enthusiast, most students proceeded to Question 5, in a scene that they will replay in their heads every day until March next year. The question once again provided means of producing and storing energy and finally revealed where all those missing definition and nuclear physics marks in Physics P2 had gone.

But it turned out that the innocuous question hid its own weapon of mass destruction. Many students failed to complete the final page of the paper, evidently having forgotten to count with the conclusion of math. Waffle Press analysts have suggested that perhaps students were simply wary of any “page 3” coming out of the UK or that they were misled by the lack of a closing bracket around the “turn over” at the bottom right of the page.

Palladium poisoning kills. Make the socially responsible choice.

Palladium poisoning kills. Make the socially responsible choice.

Students were also stumped by the need to provide an alternative catalyst for the reduction reaction. Learning from the mistakes of Tony Stark, most steered clear of palladium, opting instead to give answers including “iron” and “dude, you have google”.

However, students are faced with a much more pressing problem this weekend. Many have already abandoned all hope because they can no longer hope to pass and are rather tempted to take Elsa’s advice. This is not helped by the heartless scheduling outsourced to Monsters Incorporated clearly designed to harvest screams and close doors in children’s faces.

He's a cold-hearted snaek, look into his eyes

He’s a cold-hearted snaek, look into his eyes

Those who opted to not to let go have continued working themselves into the ground. Many wonder whether these are the Cold Hearted Snaeks that pop sensation Paula Abdul had warned us about.

Plans are underway already to offset our trade deficit by exporting more freedom

Plans are underway already to offset our trade deficit by exporting more freedom

Indeed, some have grown so desperate for liberation that they have begun smearing themselves in oil to attract bald-headed eagles. Observers have questioned the efficacy of this approach since the product used is literally snaek oil.

As part of our public duty to inform, we would like to remind students that they are not allowed to bring into the examination hall any unauthorised sewing equipment despite any surgical stitches they may require after the examination. Should any of these items be found in your possession, it will be deemed a dishonest act and your results will be terminated. Fortunately, T is still one letter above U.