A second bout of gastric malaise appears to have gripped Biology students across the cohort.
Imbued with a strong thirst for truth, we spoke to Dr Bingley to find out why Biology students were suddenly facing such severe digestive woes. The increasingly famous spin doctor ventured far out of his field of practice (as is his custom), explaining that the sight of their scripts is inducing relapses of emesis due to the unbelievable amount of content regurgitated onto the paper.
In anticipation of the completely-predictable paper this afternoon, students had binged on cellular physiology texts, memorising each and every word down the the last serif. This Cambridge-approved approach to learning allowed them to forcefully expel sufficient content to satisfy examiners and earn them respectable grades.
While several Biology students were overjoyed after relieving themselves during the paper, it appears that the high scores have come at a cost. After glancing through their scripts after the paper, a number of students began clutching their stomachs and overdosing on Imodium. Unfortunately Imodium was the wrong drug for the kind of expulsion they were about to encounter. As students began spewing their lunch, people started to take notice.
We spoke with Dr Hao Se M.D. to find out what the cause of this phenomenon might be. His wealth of experience in such regurgitation related ailments (having gone through medical school) and his in-depth medical knowledge proved invaluable in dissecting the situation.
Dr Hao accurately recited page 1437 of Dr Mitt Wo’s bestselling textbook “Emesis Our Nemesis”. He ‘explained’ that the real cause of the physical regurgitation well after the actual paper was entirely a psychological effect.
Biology students have been successfully trained to regurgitate on sighting exam scripts. While this proves incredibly useful during exams, it has unfortunate repercussions during the review of scripts and remains immensely inconvenient during aptly-named post-mortems.
Fortunately, evolution of the Biology syllabus has largely done away with the need to “learn from mistakes”, because incorrect answers stem from inadequate memorisation. Dr Pavlov was not available to comment on the validity of this assertion although it is believed he would have said “these results ring a bell”.
As is common in Biology however, there is another competing theory. It postulates that instead of students’ technicolor yawns being entirely a result of their own papers, it is in fact a result of disgust at the obscene scores attained by some formidable snaeks.
While the causes of the puking is uncertain, it is clear that this system is unsustainable. In the light of the recent outbreak, the relevant authorities are meeting in an effort to fast-track the current batch of medical students to address the ballooning demand for medical services in the school.