Prelim: Uncertainty In Grades At All Time High

Student grades have suffered much at the unforgiving hands (both visible and invisible) of the various departments. With most students left with only the menial task of shading ‘A’ 80 times, Waffle Press reports on the Prelim situation.

Biology students this time were faced with a far more complicated subject matter. The department went well beyond the syllabus (which includes only mitochondria) to ask students a number of difficult questions. These included “what is the 75th word on the 7th page in your 3rd set of lecture notes” and “Comment on the analogy that Biology students are the erythrocytes of information carrying”. Many students failed to draw the link between the lack of a nucleus in erythrocytes and the abandonment of critical faculties in H2 Biology.

Of particular note was the question “describe the theory of evolution with respect to digimon”. Several biology students sufficiently explained the process of Digivolution only to make a conceptual error when referring to the formation of Agumon X-Antibody. This problem was seen throughout the paper with students failing to appropriately explain the origins of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Extreme Dinosaurs.



Given the amount of crap produced by Biology students, several tutors have suggested enemas in the hopes that students will find a way to regurgitate and reduce the quantity bullshit.

Taking cues from a Biology question in the paper, the Physics department has resolved to question students on the “ethical implications of EMI”. Physics tutor Dr Kwan Tam told reporters: “Many students fail to recognise the ethical impact of magnetic fields and the subsequent induction of emf.” He then proceeded to make a number of puns.

One student attacked the departments repeated emphasis on measurements, insisting that measurements is not a real topic. Dr Kwan is believed to have dismissed these allegations as “baseless”. The student’s attempts at saying that induction cookers work via the wireless transmission of hotness were also met with skepticism.

The department’s sadism did not fail to shine through in the Physics paper. They took pleasure in small wins over students, especially when students failed to realize that the voltage in the last question had been intentionally reversed. While it is unclear what physics concept this tests, many have asked the department to teach comprehension, since it has so much free time anyway.

Semiconductor students were overjoyed to see a full 6 marks dedicated to the topic. The lengthy and rather exhaustive explanations of the subject that they have given the Physics department will no doubt be valuable in helping the department decide what to exclude from the answer scheme.

The Chemistry Department is also experimenting with a new automated marking system that folds unworthy scripts into beta pleated sheets before folding it again to create a tertiary structure that distinctly resembles the letter ‘U’.

Other departments have also adopted similar practices in examination setting, preferring to tackle the problem of lengthy and detailed answers at its root by calibrating the difficulty level to increase the number of empty scripts.

The latest Doctor Who episode even featured a notable dean's list regular

The latest Doctor Who episode even featured a notable dean’s list regular

While the school will continue to delight in student error and cause student terror, our reporters will soldier on.