Long known as a hub for free speech, open discussion and wanton allegations of cultural appropriation, the Sovereign Democratic Republic of HP is presently preparing to celebrate its first year of independence. Waffle Press reports.
The republic was formed late last year, when an incredibly close 51-49% vote in an independence referendum had it expelled from the rest of the school. Several HP students interviewed after the referendum revealed that while all voters were in favour of independence, some chose to vote against the motion just to “show both sides”.
While it isn’t physically distant from the school, reporting on the SDRHP has been notoriously difficult owing to the fact that they emerge from Block J only once a year to attend “Shakespeare in the Park”.
In an exclusive opportunity, reporters travelled from the relative safety of the science student dominated blocks into the enclave micronation to interview students and teachers about HP’s independence.
The entrance of science students into the block triggered considerable animosity, with reporters being subjected to the classic HP joke “how many electrical engineers does it take to justify the bombing of Dresden”.
Sitting in on lessons, reporters noted tutors there had adopted several peculiar teaching habits. One math tutor, whilst counselling an anxious student, was quoted saying, “You have to work on your problem areas, namely differential equations, complex numbers and feminism, because what use is math if we don’t have equal pay.”
His students praised the math teacher’s dedication to social issues, noting in particular his refusal to teach inequalities because “inequality is a terrible and unjust thing”.
Another jarring change our intrepid reporters had to deal with was the food. Since seceding from the rest of the school, the HP canteen had cut its menu to include only fresh organic vegetables sourced from sustainable local farms.
The Millikan Institute’s top dietician, Dr Wat Tu Eet explained that the rapid divergence from regular school fare was entirely expected given the allergy to science that is common amongst HP students.
In a lengthy report published earlier this week, Dr Wat described how “those insufferable HP kids” naturally tend towards vegan food choices. Citing the documented medical phenomenon “you are what you eat”, he hypothesised that eating insufferable vegan food would make the students more insufferable, creating a self-perpetuating cycle of insufferance.
Furthermore, Dr Wat noted that such a diet was particularly suited for the average HP student, as the caloric requirement for someone who only needs to walk 10m from their home room to the lecture theatre is incredibly low.
As the SDRHP approaches its first full year in existence, it has already proposed a slew of new policies to be implemented later in the year.
The republic has announced that it will be setting its clocks back by 8 hours to “align ourselves with the tea-drinking civilised world”. While analysts have panned the move, students themselves seemed incredibly pleased with the idea, with one excitedly telling reporters: “now I can have my 2am brooding sessions right after dinner and still catch a proper night’s rest!”
Its newly formed constitution “22 things every teenager needs to know about school” has been published as a series of Latin haikus on Tumblr and Medium. They are understood to have been plagiarised and translated from thoughtcatalog.
The SDRHP’s leaders have also announced the formation of a judiciary, promising to “treat criminal justice with the loving telling-off of a mother and social justice with the unmistakable condescension of tumblr”.
Perhaps most relevant to its citizens however, is the implementation of a dramatically different marking scheme. While the HP has always been known for its unique assessments, they have long promised to use their independence to “really shake things up”.
We caught up with Dean Annie Hao Mak, who serves as both the Dean of HP and the programme’s token Singaporean teacher.
Dean Hao told reporters that the new mark scheme would discard the strict objective criterion previously employed by the school and replace them with something that could “better account for the ambiguities of the human condition”. The new policy, titled “ownself mark ownself”, is incredibly popular amongst students and teachers alike.
When asked about whether this would detract from the usefulness of assessments, Dean Hao explained that the new policy was designed to account for the diverse but equally valid range of opinions students have. She said that “if a student asserts that the sky consists wholly of closely spaced blue unicorns, that’s a valid perspective!”
Reporters noted that Dean Hao artfully deflected any attempts to raise the relative economics distinction rates between HP and science students.
A straw poll conducted by reporters revealed that HP students generally viewed independence very positively. Most cited the recent cancellation of DramaFeste and DanceFeste as proof that leaving, and taking the PAC with them, was an excellent idea overall.
SDRHP policy wonks nonetheless called the move to cancel the arts events a “masterstroke”, noting that while on the surface it seemed to reinforce the school’s image as grades obsessed and elitist, “students cannot possibly be arrogant about attending a school that does crazy shit like this”. They went on to suggest that the money saved be redirected to buy more book vouchers for ‘A’ Level high scorers- the people who need books the most.
Data showing plummeting enrollment rates for economics and geography certainly seems to back this assertion as more students are opting to document how the school becomes history.
Having had a year of life without HP students, science students too were able to reflect on the secession of Block J. While many science students our reporters spoke to were only dimly aware of the HP’s existence, those in the know demonstrated enthusiastic approval for the departure.
As he emerged from an extracurricular programme in the OpenLabs, one prominent commentator told reporters “I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more pretentious than those HP kids”.
At press time, the newly appointed Right Honourable Dean Annie Hao Mak, First Earl of Block J had reportedly issued an official statement to the commentator reading “challenge accepted”.