David Cameron Fails To Stop Terrorism

Students islandwide were taken by complete surprise by the recent SN2 attack from Cambridge, exemplifying the growing threat of terrorism from the reputable institution. The Waffle Press reports.

Ongoing investigations into Cambridge’s practices have proceeded at a record pace, no doubt completely unrelated to Cameron’s alma mater. Many students affected by the catastrophe were seen appealing to higher powers, and hoping for intervention in the form of MI [40] in the upcoming Paper 2.

Less than 2 hours after the paper, online vigilantes from various profit-making centres had already published their extensive analysis. Based on these findings, the administration immediately dispatched a crack team led by Blair himself in search of the rumoured weapons of “math” destruction.

Self-proclaimed student analysts were seen chatting after the paper, remarking that the Math department clearly did not understand the concept of exercise, having set a minimum time for the completion of a run. Students dumbfounded by 7(iii) are believed to have responded with “my grade” when asked to find E.

The next paper is expected to build on this tragedy, cruelly forcing students to calculate exactly how poorly they did. Fortunately, this will be made easier by the fact the distribution of marks is expected to follow a standard normal distribution of mean 0 and variance 1.

This goal was hinted at in the hitherto unseen question 3. Students were divided on whether such integrated questions hinted at a limit on their marks, or reminded them of the infinite effort seemingly required to bring their score from 0 to 1. One prominent KI student told reporters that he was regretting writing his KI essay now that he was equipped with the knowledge that he could not claim to know math at all.

In response to this catastrophe, many have suggested the use of government funds for the social welfare of the to-be-unemployed A level students. Others have recommended that a piece of wire be split in two and inserted in several uncomfortable locations.

Learning from their bad experience on Monday, many students wisely chose not to bother preparing for the planning question, a decision they were exceptionally pleased with after seeing the monstrous Q1. In the short duration of 2h, students were expected to conduct at least 5 more titrations than they did for SPA. This feat was accomplished only by the most hardcore snaeks.

Some astute students noted the requirement of the planning question to give a brief but thorough outline of the entire procedure. Paying attention to the fact that the majority of the experiment was to be spent excitedly waiting about for the reaction to reach equilibrium, they focused on what the experimenter should do in the intervening time. This included binge watching popular (and of course educational) British TV shows such as Top Gear, Doctor Who and Sherlock. The latter being especially appropriate given its lengthy production time.

Others suggested using the telephone normally found in the lab to call their Chem teacher to find out what the Kc is, a method that will no doubt net them marks for its exceptional speed.

However, the students were not the only ones with poor planning, given the extremely cramped Paper 2 and distinct lack of space for answers despite there being 2 full blank pages at the end. Also evidence for bad design was the fact that the distinguishing test between HBr and HCl was provided just two lines above the question.

Many also bemoaned the massive number of marks allocated to enthalpy change of combustion. Some speculate that together with the question on the environment vs the economy, it demonstrates a concerted effort from the UK to mock us for the present air quality. These students have also suggested placing controls on questions about energy production, given the apparent obsession with it.

Combustion was also on the mind of students, as seen visibly in exam halls when they were once again inspired to experimentally determine the enthalpy change of combustion of an A level paper. The suggestion of using hydrogen in cars had many students recommending that examiners google “Hindenberg” before hailing it as an alternative fuel.

Our reporters continue to closely monitor the A level situation as they sit in a puddle of their own tears that is the source of the River Cam.