The school’s crack team of Corporate Communicators are once again preparing to announce that the school has achieved the greatest A Level results in the history of Singapore. Waffle Press reports.
Reporters in the vicinity of the school spotted the Millikan Institute’s team of statisticians streaming into the crystal palace for a brief meeting with the school’s top brass. Many were seen carrying thick files containing several lengthy and vaguely informative categorisations by which the batch of 2015 might have outmatched its predecessors.
The team hopes that brand new categories such as “most number of distinctions while doing backflips” and “greatest quantity of horseshit peddled to GP examiners” will distract the press from the unmitigated disaster on Friday when the briefly graduated batch of 2015 will collect their ‘A’ Level results.
Despite an intern informing Waffle Press reporters that the results might prove too difficult to warp, armchair analysts are increasingly alarmed about the remarkable constant upward trend of distinctions. They fear the school might soon reach the point when students can literally do no better than seniors.
Clearly this trend is unsustainable
Consequently, the school has announced that it will make top performers sit for both the Singapore-Cambridge and Cambridge A level papers to technically achieve distinction rates above 100% until Dr Bingley finally discovers how to overcome the constraints of mathematics.
In addition to increasing the potency of the school’s regular “Common Test” demotivational exercises, the analysts have suggested the school introduce new subjects including “H3 Furthest Mathematics”, “H2 Mother Tongue” and “H2 Project Work” to curb the grade inflation.
Students are meanwhile preparing to have their self-worth described to them as a series of letters on a laminated piece of paper. An ex-student we spoke to told reporters “I’m going to get my ASS handed to me on results day GET IT HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I have no future”.
Speaking to Waffle Press reporters, veteran teacher Mrs See Nee Er, lamented: “When I was your age, our parents disciplined us to get top grades and get into medicine or law school. Times have really changed.” This would explain the mysterious phenomenon of all adults having medicine or law degrees.
Fortunately, government directives are doing a great job of reversing this toxic trend of grade obsession. A ministry spokesperson pointed to the considerable headway they were making by deducting 2 full points from a student’s score for outstanding co-curricular achievement. When asked if a similar system would be adopted at the A level, he explained “there’s no need, students who waste time on CCA in JC deduct the points themselves”.
Despite the opinions of various social scientists from such distinguished academic bodies such as kiasuparents.com, life does in fact continue well past the collection of A level results. If you are a J3 collecting your results on Friday, we wish you the best of fortune.
Waffle Press regrettably cannot be of much help to anyone writing statements for college applications. We can merely hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And in the spirit of preparing for the worst, please find below the recommended Waffle Press College rejection rejection letter response template.
Dear Admissions Officer,
Thank you for considering my application and denying me admission to your University. Unfortunately, after careful consideration of your rejection, I am unable to accept your refusal to have me.
This year, I have received a record number of rejections from some of the finest universities in the world. While I wish I could accept all of the rejections from qualified universities, the unfortunate fact is that this is simply not possible. I hope you understand the difficulty I face in selecting which rejections I can accept.
Please do not view this as a reflection of your calibre as a university or as an admissions officer. I’ll see you in September.