Canteen Regulations Reaffirmed By Scientific Evidence

In the true spirit of the free market, the school imposes few, if any, restrictions on the chow served up by canteen vendors. This policy has recently been validated by scientific evidence unearthed below a pile of papers in the Millikan Institute.

The few regulations placed are of course in the best interests of students. The sale of carbonated health beverage Coca Cola is prohibited, due to apparent negative externalities in consumption. Of course, Red Bull is far healthier because even though it raises risk of cardiac arrest, it tastes like cough syrup.

The holy elixir is also heavily relied upon by a certain reptilian species and has proven to be very beneficial for its kind. After all, what else can snaeks depend on to sustain them through their daily all-nighters?

Lead researcher Mr Yu Dai Yang revealed the many benefits instant noodles provides. The miraculous foodstuff can imbue students with superpowers including rapid (sometimes uncontrollable) cellular regeneration.

The school’s policy has also allowed concerned canteen vendors to add large quantities of super-supplement Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) to students’ meals to increase their daily intake of the substance. This has untold health benefits for students who consume it including the rapid cell growth mentioned above.

Of course, the relaxed regulations allow health-nuts in school to opt for deep fried and carbohydrate rich foods, both of which help exercise students’ internal organs, thereby obviously strengthening them greatly. Most notable amongst these foods are doughnuts, which have the unique privilege of being both deep fried and carbohydrate rich.

We asked a school spokesperson about how they thought of this policy. He explained the school’s forward thinking approach has shaped every aspect of how the school tackled canteen food. He noted the rapidly ageing population of Singapore and cited tackling rising life expectancy as one of the key objectives of the school food policy.

He went on to describe how students were all benefiting by being forced to eat the canteen grub everyday as it made them so much healthier and helped them avoid suffering in their old age.

The Department of Mathematics does not agree however, claiming the food actually has a negative effect on mathematics grades. One tutor told reporters that the school food made students’ “fingers too fat”, attributing the poor showing in the recent CT2 to candidates’ inability to accurately press buttons on their Graphic Calculators.

Nonetheless, the school is pleased with its current policy of canteen deregulation and is expected to lift even the remaining restrictions (with the notable exception of the coke ban) over the coming months. The move will come after months of lobbying by the Canteen Vendors Association. The “Sick Students Lobby” was unfortunately on leave and therefore unable to contest the decision.