A massive groan has emanated once again from the oppressed masses as the season of self-expression is upon us. Hapless students are struggling to pen down anything remotely significant about their lives to fill up the mountains of applications and personal statements required for various prestigious accolades and applications.

Self-esteem is reportedly at an all time low amongst students following the release of the Prelim results exacerbated by the universal realisation they’ve failed to achieve anything meaningful in the last 730 days of their lives.

Fresh from the horror of Prelims, few students expected to have their cognitive capabilities challenged so soon since they were still recovering from their battle with the indomitable bell curve. Having only recently managed to banish all creativity from their minds so as to “master the box”, many were unable to summon up the inner poetic soul necessary to write a satisfactory college admissions essay.

To students accustomed to religiously memorising prescribed answers to each and every question, writing a college essay completely from scratch is a wholly uncomfortable exercise. Some well-heeled applicants have allegedly secured several benjamins to their essays in the hope of impressing admissions officers with their loyalty to the land of the free.

There appears to be a heated competition between many internationally-bound students to pen the most nugatory and extraneous accomplishments known to mankind. Admissions departments can expect an interesting read with students highlighting various interesting tidbits like their loyalty to Khoon’s Chinese Delicacies and the great variety of highlighters they have at their disposal. One even mentioned her enviable mastery of lecture hall sleeping positions, allowing her to appear to be paying close attention to her lecture notes whilst doing precisely the opposite.

En Tee Yew, a student hoping to be enrolled in a reputable overseas university commented, ”I hope my love of salted blueberry milk and advocacy in the protection of the lasius niger will make me appear loony enough.“ She hopes to be a sufficiently “interesting” addition and hence have a shot at getting through the Great Asian Firewall.

Some common themes across admission essays by students hoping to study in the land of the free and home of the brave include the art of exiting from closets and philosophical musings on pencils. Many also sought to demonstrate their familiarity with the local culture of their dream universities, waxing lyrical about their daily American breakfasts and mid-afternoon tea sessions.

College admission officers are expected to be extremely impressed with the great diversity of students’ accomplishments. It appears writing in third person successfully sustains the illusion that references are penned by teachers, not students themselves.

Unfortunately, it did rouse the suspicion of officers during the previous admissions cycle when a teacher’s reference explained at length a certain student’s achievements in minotaur slaying as the Dragonborn in Skyrim. Unbeknownst to the student, the fact that there are no minotaurs in Skyrim has already become common knowledge. Regulations imposed by the school have since been tightened.

Teachers are also pleased with the increased outsourcing of testimonial and reference writing to students, with some have calling for lecturing and script marking to be outsourced as well. This will free up more time for teachers to engage in more important duties including planning Total Defense commemorations and setting killer examinations.

Some students however, have come to the conclusion that their grades might never make the cut for the finest colleges, opting instead to pursue a future as professional turd polishers. Of course, their two years of experience framing economics essays will prove remarkably helpful in this field of study, even if not in actual economics.

We wish all college bound students the very best.