Evidently paying little heed to the good science advice doled out by Dr Bingley and Waffle Press, a humanities student appears to have attempted a science experiment that has gone completely wrong.
We caught up with Will Sun, the student in question, at his home. Dressed impeccably in a tweed tailcoat and a felt derby, he agreed to give Waffle Press an exclusive interview.
Will tells us he got interested in science after repeated good-natured jabs by his peers about his scientific ignorance. As soon as he finished denouncing them as philistines, he set about devouring countless scientific texts, taking full advantage of his famed comprehension skills. He was particularly inspired by The Endochronic Properties of Resublimated Thiotimoline, which he described as “prophetic”, laying the groundwork for the mysterious thiotimoline to be employed in many more areas due to its ability to dissolve prior to the addition of a solvent.
In the end, what really pushed him to pursue his hidden passion for the sciences was the story of Jess See, the young chemistry student with a talent in producing very commercially viable products.
In an interview filled with buzzwords and thinly veiled derision, Will explained how his humanities background would propel him further in science than even the finest RA student. While appearing slightly chemically disadvantaged, he commented:
“A multifarious protean pedagogy is the sine qua non de nos jours; it develops a far more chrysostomatic cosmopolite vis-a-vis jejune scientific proletarians. Prima facie, my sesquipedalian mien far transcends the piddling pastiches of those risible mendicants and tyros who suffered much deserved obloquy during the recent plebeian assessment.”
Having exhausted the SAT word list, the polymath moved on to show us the experiment in question. It appeared to be a pot containing a small plant, which the student insisted was of the species Hempus Notweedus (a horticulturist we consulted tells us no such plant exists). More astonishing however, was the condition the plant was in. Despite being a few months old, the plant was still very small and appeared gravely ill. Several leaves had been crudely severed and cheap band aids were used to cover the areas where they once were.
Will refused to allow us to take the plant to a local horticulturist, telling us proudly that after four hours on WebMD, he had successfully diagnosed the plant with lung cancer (among several other ailments). He proceeded to denounce the horticultural abuse that pervades almost every aspect of today’s society, calling horticulturalists “stooges of the man”. Unfortunately, he was only halfway through his anti-establishmentarian rant when he passed out on the floor.