A recent study by researchers at the Millikan Institute has revealed that 97% of students are strongly in favour of a compulsory carnival as a way for them to be forced to take 5.
Our reporters met lead researcher Dr Day Ta (BBS, MBS, DBS) to find out what might be causing the student population to view mandatory fun so favourably.
Dr Ta explained that the researchers had hypothesised that the biggest reason was likely to be the immense guilt students have been trained to experience while having fun. As any student would know, having fun is significantly more stressful than sitting at home and mugging.
This is directly a result of years of conditioning and an endless flow of work. After all students cannot possibly fully relax when there’s so much work to be done. When combined with ruthless examinations, it makes for a potent mixture that scares even the most “fun loving” students into studying.
Many other students believe that deciding whether to go for a carnival all by themselves can’t possibly be a good idea. Having become accustomed to being told what to do, the freedom to choose can be too much to bear, encouraging students to opt for an obligatory carnival. By offloading the decision to the school, as is the norm, the students can also continue criticizing the school and “this lousy carnival”.
Rigorous economic analysis by several armchair economists in the canteen revealed that the consumption of “fun” produces positive externalities for the population at large. After a quick look around the canteen, the economists also determined that the good was under-consumed by the student population in particular, and that “society wants more”. This conclusion was separately reached by a number of sane students.
Further surveys conducted by the Millikan Institute have found an unsurprising deficiency in students’ understanding of fun and the benefits associated with it. One particularly respondent was distressed to learn that he was unsure of the meaning of “fun”, being entirely unaccustomed to not knowing things.
Another key consideration is the fact that many students don’t go out and enjoy themselves simply because they don’t know how to get anywhere besides the school campus. As many students only travel between school and home, their knowledge of exciting places outside school can be extremely limited. Thus a carnival will allow them to live a little without taking them out of their comfort zone, making it a very attractive option for students.
Dr Ta explained that the data was not entirely reliable though. As it turns out, some snaeks in the student population expressed their favour for the carnival only so that it would distract their peers from work and therefore increase their percentiles. This kind of bell curve hacking is frowned upon but is unfortunately not new.
Taking these findings into account, the school has announced a conscription based ceremony followed by a compulsory carnival later this month. In order to ensure that all students have fun, school administrators will take attendance during the event.
The carnival events will be held at several never-before-seen locations around the school including the swimming pool to introduce students to the few areas not yet tainted by the sight of mugging. However, it is feared that introducing students to these places will inevitably lead the snaek population to contaminate them with their ilk.
It is set to include exciting events for young children of all ages, including a bouncy castle, clowns and cotton candy. It is hoped that the event will make up for the childhood most students have never had.
To find out what the opinion was amongst students, we spoke to a prominent student who chose to remain anonymous. The student noted that the school was “fooling nobody with this take 5 surrogate”. Subsequently, the student pointed out that the school appears to have completely misread student opinion as it retained all the parts of Take 5 that were not Sentosa. He predicts a poor response due to the distinct lack of Sentosa.
Waffle Press analysts expect there to be a sudden increase in the number of sick students on that particular Saturday. At press time, several students were spotted arranging emergency meetings, community service, and family events on the day of the carnival.