It’s that time of year again. The Year 6 students have begun thinking about how much fun they’ll have right after the ‘A’ Levels. As students contemplate a life free of the shackles of education, the topic of the extravagant Graduation Dinner inevitably crops up.

Every year, each graduating batch throws a party for itself where everyone can get together, hang out and chat before going clubbing and passing out in a sea of their own sick. This time-honoured tradition of throwing a large amount of money away before behaving like oppressed teenagers in a nightclub somewhere will of course be respectfully carried out this year.

The theme this year is “Picture Perfect” because chances are, you won’t actually remember a moment of it. It also serves as a warning to all attendees reflecting the nature of the event as a mass photo-taking session spanning several hours. It will be held at the Shangri-La hotel which is conveniently situated near a number of discotheques. Even nerds won’t have an issue finding a 24/7 Starbucks to have their all night “wild touhou party” in.

We caught up dinner organiser Jay Wan hoping to find out how this year’s pre-party bash will differ from previous years’. Jay explained that this year’s party will feature several new awards:

The Worst Dressed award will reward an outstanding lack of effort and knowledge of social norms. Organisers admitted they were inspired by the 1st runner-up to RI Y4 graduation’s Best Dressed Award who is best known for having a computer program repeatedly vote for him. Despite his best efforts however, he was thwarted by the sheer unpopularity of the student who clinched the top place.

The Dean of the Year Award will be given to the student who has amassed the greatest number of Dean’s list placings over the course of JC. As the recipient is expected to already be busy studying for university however, the award will be sent via pigeon.

The Kiasu Award is presented to the most task-focused student. It is meant to reward those who spend the duration of their time at the party ensuring they get their money’s worth whilst attempting to bankrupt the hotel. Those vying for this award will have to fend off hordes of casual acquaintances trying to fossilise their acquaintanceship in one of the millions of photos that will be taken that night. Only the most stolid will succeed.

Entry to the party is expected to relieve students of $95. Of course, students will ask: “can I use my edusave?” We have you covered. The short answer is: no. The long answer is: nope. But does that really matter? It’s the last party you’ll get to have with all your school friends before you close that catastrophic chapter of your life.

Nonetheless, a group of students we interviewed revealed that they had no intention of going for the party because it was “too expensive”. The discussion about this once in a lifetime opportunity to celebrate the end of JC was unfortunately cut short when they had to rush off to the £earning £ab.

And then, some wonder if it will be markedly different from the Y4 graduation that gentlemen from Y1-4 had attended. After all, the exhilarating treasure hunt and the touching performance of “Love The Way You Lie” are entirely unforgettable. While this graduation dinner is unlikely to be quite as outright insane as the one that took place at the Concorde, it will feature members of the opposite gender, making it an actual prom.

Students’ sartorial exploits are a defining feature of grad night . Many male students take this opportunity to escape the conformity of dress they’d been trapped in for the entire duration of their lives by arriving dressed in an array of virtually indistinguishable suits. Wearing highly reflective clothing and the use of sunglasses indoors are generally discouraged. Female students on the other hand prefer to adopt carefully-thought out disguises to best confuse their peers and prevent anyone from recognising them. The exact rationale behind this practice is poorly understood.

Students are strongly urged to celebrate the end of their JC lives by meeting up and taking awkward photographs with friends, rivals and people they sort of maybe knew once in a dream. The organising committee promises it will be a night to remember – bankruptcy tends to be difficult to forget.