Accusations of elitism have been hurled at this honourable institution since time immemorial. Students have come and gone but the perception of snobbishness has been one of the few things that remained constant. Our reporters set out to tackle this challenging topic to shed some light on the current status of elitism in the school.

Our quest began in the deepest reaches of the internet on popular citizen journalism website “Step Violently”. There it was revealed to us just how deep the problem of elitism ran. People pointed out that students from this school (and others like it) exude a sense of superiority and sneer at students outside their exclusive club. They cite the many times they have been asked their PSLE scores or L1R5 only to be met with slight condescending smiles. Allegations of students marginalising solely on the account of their uniforms are widespread.

But these accusations obviously can’t be true especially given the website’s tendency to sensationalise small issues. After all, this is a site that pays citizens to take a dump on the floor others’ actions. And of course, in light of the illustrious 192-year long reputation the esteemed institution holds, such trivial problems must surely be beneath it.

In search of better answers, our reporters interviewed Ai Suan Guan, a student from this school. Unlike members of Step Violently, he was quick to dismiss elitism as a misperception held by the ill informed general public. He explained “they have not gone through the rigorous RA programme. I obviously know more and can tell you with full confidence that elitism does not exist in this school.” Suan Guan also quoted popular anonymous non-elitist blogger JuanMata385 saying: “It’s not showing off if you can back it up” photographed alongside the great List of Deans. After all, #ThereWillBeHaters.

This is a logical stand. Naturally, since Suan Guan is better than everyone else, we should regard his opinion more highly. What’s more, the opinion of the aforementioned blogger is also generally held in high esteem, seeing as to how he is damn big after getting a GPA of 3.85.

So the inevitable question is then, how might we tackle this non-existent problem? We spoke to school psychologist Dr Yu Ah Quek to learn a bit about the thought process behind elitism and how it might be addressed. Dr Yu explained that the solution must come from teaching students about the humility they already exhibit.

This may be achieved through the teaching and repeated testing of students’ modesty to ensure that it is held to stringent standards. By introducing a Dean’s List for humility and a new “Humilities Programme”, the school will boost its social standing and repair the warped image that some ignorant members of the public have about it.

Other measures include careful recalibration of the difficulty of examinations to increase the number of sub-A grades and hence failures. This will in turn make more students miserable and ensure that they have less to brag about.