Recent events have seen a group of
speculators researchers conjuring Narnia-esque fantasies about this esteemed institution, concluding that it does in fact suck. Waffle Press reports.
Award winning data scientist Dr Bingley from the Millikan Institute praised the research methodologies of the research team. In a rather lengthy exclusive interview, he told reporters:
“The individuals who carried it out used a mixture of anecdotes, opinions, as well as a single second-hand data point. This level of extrapolation would make Dr Millikan weep with joy.
It is far easier to form broad conclusions and stereotypes when not burdened with too much data, demonstrating the prudence of the researchers’ choice to use half baked information.
Think about how often physicians ask for stool samples versus how often they ask for brain biopsies. I think it’s absolutely clear that any evidence pulled out of your ass is far more useful than anything from your head. In fact, in the next ten years, I believe all microscopes, telescopes and 360NoScopes will be replaced with endoscopes. We will successfully send multiple probes to Uranus. Because that is research at its finest.”
We then proceeded to speak with several prominent opinionated people, hoping to more closely examine the points raised. The vast majority of observers were convinced that the findings were faeces, though there was debate over whether it was of bovine or equine origin.
One of the key points raised by the researchers was the inability of students to write well. Skeptics have noted that this may not be entirely true, pointing to this very publication, which has consistently been awarded the “Ketupat Development Studios Best Publication Award”.
Allegations of elitism have also been launched, clearly ignorant of a previous article that put forth a convincing case for why we are much too smart for such petty problems as elitism. Nonetheless, critics hold that the students of this academic sweatshop possess a special kind of arrogance and take their grades far too seriously, after all, it’s not like they run a publication that exists solely to mock school affairs.
There was some element of truth to the researchers’ claims however. They have in fact discovered the true cause of all of our problems, education. The mind blowing concept that something as innocuous as education could be incredibly harmful is a well-established radical idea. Why, if it were not for this king of evils, this small nation would be the NUMBER ONE fishing village in the world.
The kind of anti-intellectual, anti-establishment “revolution of culture” being suggested has a long history of bringing peace and stability to nation-states. In fact, even today, this is viewed favourably by prominent revolutionaries such as Former US Senator Rick Santorum, who has previously remarked, “President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college, what a snob.”
So convinced were our peers by the arguments presented that over 1,000 of them have announced that they will quit school on Friday.
We were unfortunately unable to glean very much more as the voices of the researchers were drowned out by the sound of the homework truck backing up outside our middle class bungalows. The editors would however like to note that the right to mock and insult KS Bull is reserved for the students to whom that top quality book is given.