BREAKING: Singapore Celebrates 50th Birthday

The institution has recently announced plans to celebrate the nation’s 50th birthday with yet another party. According to the organisers, the event will be held just before the extended weekend so as to best stir up patriotic fervour amongst impressionable students.

Students our reporters spoke to were elated by the news, especially by the opportunity to extend their overseas getaways by an additional day. Others were just happy they were able to spend more time polishing their personal statements and attempting to rescue their grades.

Several tutors expressed irritation at the news, noting they now had to set 5 full days’ worth of homework. The shorter week will also make it more difficult for them to set that huge amount of homework within the constraints of their short tutorials. Many ill-prepared tutors and lecturers were caught off-guard by the sudden passage of time. Fortunately for students, a few academic departments had the foresight to arrange for lecture tests following this holiday as well, following in the long-held tradition of the institution.

The event will reportedly feature an “observance ceremony” as well as bouts of community singing. Audience members can expect to be treated to an inspiringly slow march from the back of the parade square to the stage and an inspiring rendition of the national anthem played on the recorder, Singapore’s national instrument. Hopefully, the event will jolt the memories of oblivious students who have managed to miss the millions of small red stickers littered liberally around the island state. Even the class photos were not spared.

However, this weekend of national revelry and celebration comes with its fair share of controversy. A recent dig by local archaeologists has unearthed new evidence and drawn self-styled experts from all walks of life into a dispute about the age of this island state. The conventional school of thought appears to have come under attack with some claiming the city was founded after Aslan was spotted sometime in the 14th century, implying the celebration should be for SG700 not SG50. The only company thought to date back that far, Temasek Holdings, was not available for comment.

Past batches of senior students were reportedly spared from the festivities on account of their atrocious results and looming examinations. However, a careful study of the benefits of the recent compulsory carnival has inspired the institution to ride on this wave of success, yet again forcing students to participate in a range of merrymaking.

Coupled with the benevolent gift of LEGO, the celebrations are expected to evoke a sense of patriotism and loyalty to their island home. These heartwarming emotions are expected to continue till Friday night when most students summon up the energy required to venture near their repulsive revision.

Even more excitingly, as a special SG50 gift, the various departments have jointly decided to colour students’ scripts entirely red during the marking for period for prelims in order to remind them of “the importance of meritocracy in shaping Singapore”. They did not confirm whether this had anything to do with the distinct red colour of Fehling’s solution. The contrast between the red scripts and students’ white faces is expected to be a fitting tribute to the nation’s legacy.

Nationwide, the celebrations are not going to come cheap. The year has seen a budget deficit due to heavy expenditure on important goods including fun packs and national examinations. The greatest contributor to the deficit is likely to be the extended fireworks display however, with millions expected to go to China in royalties after their invention of fireworks some centuries ago.

Waffle Press wishes all Singaporeans happy SG50, and everyone else a great weekend.