Student Party To Take GE 2015 By Storm

Inspired by the slew of parties thrown by the school lately,  a student group has decided to form one of their own. Even before they qualified to vote, the students have established the new Neoconservative Demagogue Party (NDP) and elected the Merlion as their Secretary-General. Waffle Press reporters caught up with deputy party leader Goh Tu Wo to find out more.

Goh told us that he had long been planning to enter the Singapore political arena after reading the “unbiased” articles of world class publications such as TOC and TRS. However, he decided to stop complaining about the government and start taking action to capitalise on national patriotism at this time of the year.

He also explained that his party manifesto was derived almost wholesale from those of parties in “far more politically advanced countries”. Citing the US Republican Party and the UK Independence party as his primary sources of inspiration, he went on to tell us why voters should choose the NDP in the upcoming election.

Right off the bat, he accused the ruling party of being “communists”, a clear nod to the GOP. He pointed to a slew of recent policies by the government that have resulted in a budget deficit and that will inevitably “lead to the downfall of the nation”.

And then there are the proudly Made in China Singapore flag nail clippers distributed by the school during the trivia quiz. He called this “a clear pro-communist message” and said that it insinuated that Singapore was made in China. Waffle Press analysts were largely unimpressed by this argument as everything is made in China.

The NDP has also vowed to help advance Singapore’s parliamentary democracy by bringing unnecessary noise and shouting to the parliament. This will finally help close the gap between Singapore and other advanced democracies. He decried Singapore’s “civilised” policy debates and called for more indiscriminate shouting and name-calling.

He promised also to rename the Marina Barrage to the Marina Farage to ensure that filthy seawater is kept out of our reservoir. Additionally, in order to “Make Singapore Great Again”, he proposes strict austerity measures and “lots more free trade”.

Goh admits that the NDP’s open market policy has been shaped largely by his lecture notes for H2 Economics. He has called the notes, together with the Sloman textbook, “bulletproof” and “revolutionary”. Much like his economics essays, his campaign speeches are also likely to be copied and pasted from the lecture notes he so cherishes.

The NDP leader also alleged that as the government lurches to the left, there will be an immense structural strain on the Tuas causeway. This is because the leftward shift of the country will obviously narrow the crossing at that point. He wants to counteract this by shifting government policy, LRAS and AD simultaneously to the right. When asked if this made the slightest bit of sense, he once again quoted Congress Republicans by saying “I’m not a scientist”.

Goh then revealed some details about the election run. He highlighted the fact that his cabinet would be the first to include Aslan the talking Lion. This is both because lions are a symbol of Singapore and because Aslan is native to cabinets.

He also said that the famous school cat would stand in the AMK GRC after being inspired by its American counterpart, Hank. Deploying two animals is expected to allow the party to cut its costs, keeping within its budget and under the $3.50 per elector limit.

There appears to be some disagreement within the party with another faction planning to break off and form a “proposition party” because they  want to avoid association with the opposition. According to representatives, such a party would allow bored citizens to vote for a non-ruling party without risking an opposition victory. Such a solution pandering to the uniquely Singaporean approach to democracy would allow voters’ cakes to exist in a state of superposition, being eaten and uneaten simultaneously.

However, a large proportions of students Waffle Press reporters spoke to appeared to be largely apathetic about the upcoming political contest, making vague allusions to some calamity known as “A Levels” and waving questions away with their thick stack of notes. In-house analysts suspect their ineligibility to vote might have something to do with their peculiar behavior. A minority were more excited about the results announcements in anticipation of the return of their favourite celebrity, only to have their hopes dashed by his appointment at SembCorp.

Our interview was unfortunately abruptly ended when Goh’s mother called him home for dinner.