The elections are finally over and have seen a massive swing in the number of political pundits and Kopitiam based Think Tanks. In light of the terrible air quality and the spate of landslides across the island, the new government and the NEA have already begun looking into the anomalous conditions and for the rest of Singapore, it’s business as usual.

However, in complete defiance of academic pressures and the inexorable onset of Prelims, fearless students have established another political party. The Shirker’s Party plans to address some of the main bugbears people face through its Left of Left policies. A spokescomrade for the party explained that the party was set up to aid in the consolidation of opposition parties in Singapore by outflanking them from the left and knocking them out of existence. 

The party’s first proposal is called “distribution without redistribution”. The party plans to distribute massive amounts of money to each and every citizen of Singapore to allow them to maintain a high standard of living. They hope to completely eradicate poverty within a week through this revolutionary new approach.

Some of the finer points of their proposal involve repurposing the Air Force to rain money down from above and building a solid gold wall around the island to ward off foreigners (paid for by the Mexicans). Their spokesperson compared the helicopter drops to the annual fireworks here, noting in the former at least the money isn’t incinerated immediately.

Of course, one would wonder where the money will come from. Rather than charging any kind of tax, they intend to raise money through a number of novel income sources. These include “generous donations” from rich benefactors, a policy that has had great success in other countries. In addition, they intend to use forfeited election deposits as a major funding source and the tears of their opponents to supply water should the Johor reservoir run dry.

On top of that, they plan to print more money to fix any budget deficit,  marvelling at how no one has ever thought of such a policy. Any mention of inflation by reporters was brushed off as party leaders said “If we print faster than inflation, standard of living will continue to rise. Just look at Zimbabwe, their currency is as strong as the USD.” Their in-house economist also expressed his faith in the power of QE, explaining that anything can happen (to the government accounts) “if you believe”.

This money distribution scheme has also allowed them to eliminate the fundamental economic problem of employment, in line with the party motto “Look Left Not Forward”.

When questioned about some of the major issues facing locals including public transport breakdowns and the recurring haze, party leaders explained all these problems could be solved by throwing more money at them. Furthermore, they noted people might prefer to walk on the proposed golden brick roads rather than take the MRT.

The leaders went on to cast suspicion on the lineage and true heritage of their political rivals, denouncing all non-indigenous mascots including roosters, mice and tigers. Although work on their manifesto and party symbols only start “tomorrow” (they call it a “work in progressives”), some of the icons in consideration include a road sign and a Merlion. 

Expressing their confidence about their prospects, they expect to achieve decisive victories across the island. Some of their unique tactics include telling voters to “cross out parties they didn’t like” and explaining they were running because they “hope to get elected”.

The party is expected to outperform all its rivals due to its ability to listen to the people and do what they want. Political scientists at the renowned Millikan Institute agreed the party is the first to figure out “how to game the system”.

They are currently in talks with other opposition parties to assign constituencies for 2020. The shirkers tell us that despite being ridiculed by the other parties, they were willingly offered Jurong to contest for GE2020.

We are continuing to track the latest developments in local politics.