Some days ago, the NEA finally raised its alert level to “what the fog”, signalling several days of poor weather to come. This puts the Straits of Malacca in the world’s top 5 dire straits according to Straits Magazine. Waffle Press reports on the latest hypothesis by top researchers from the labs of Dr Connaught See and a brand new report from the NEA.

The topic of haze came up once again when the NEA issued an official denial that any “cloud seeding” was being conducted. This came after several unscrupulous sources alleged that the agency had indeed traded a cow in exchange for magical seeds to elevate Singapore some distance above the haze.

In an official report, they stated that ground was already being cleared for seeding in Indonesia, rendering seeding done from Singapore superfluous. The special report also concluded that Singapore’s lack of a hinterland made significant seeding entirely impossible, even if the entire jungle off the PIE was cleared for planting.

The report then went on to discuss other measures already taken to clear the haze. The most significant of these was the F1 Singapore GP held recently. They hoped that the loud sounds would ward off the haze, following a similar mechanism as the sounds used to ward off nian. The victory of two red Ferraris was of course an added bonus.

In an attempt to “fight fire with fire”, the NEA proposed setting small portions of Singapore alight using hydrogen and platinum. They hope that the superposition of haze particles would eliminate any atmospheric pollution thanks to the dual nature of matter. This seems to have backfired spectacularly in small scale tests and the idea was scrapped.

As a consequence of the haze, many Singaporeans have been caught up in the understandable dilemma of choking either due to the haze or due to their N95 masks. Many locals pleaded the government to intervene, hoping that it will be able to exert an upward pressure on the haze and correct for the “free for all market” in Sumatra.

Current affairs and the ease of doing business in Indonesia have all contributed to the hitherto unseen hot air flows.

These flows of carbon dioxide and small smoke particles have made it especially difficult for people to concentrate, lowering domestic productivity substantially. Several students, even some from the SDRHP have reported failing to complete 3 essays within the time period allotted, drawing significant flak from economics tutors.

Some complain that rather than a drop in their own concentration, the rise of the haze concentration has lowered the smoke concentration gradient and thus made it particularly difficult for them to spew smoke of their own. This inability to sustain a high level of productivity is likely to cost them jobs and opportunities in the future.

Taking note of citizens’ pleas, the Singapore government has deployed a chinook to blast the air back at Sumatra and prevent the smoke from reaching Singapore. Unfortunately, a miscalculation made by substandard physicists resulted in the failure of one of the rotors. Learning from the mistakes of the NEA website, the helicopter managed to avoid a crash and landed safely.

Physics tutor Dr Sikorsky, a former KGB torture and trapping specialist, seemed particularly smug about this incident.

Citizen’s requests to measure the CO2 entering Singapore have also been rejected, with officials telling reporters that calculating the mass of CO2 is “too difficult” and “not worth a lot of marks”, a stunning reflection of the real world applications of exam skills.

Some Singaporeans have even called for the prohibition of migrant haze particles, criticising the ICA for allowing them into Singapore. One prominent Singaporean commented “if they were burning weed there, they will confirm stop the haze at checkpoint, but smoke is okay”. This A grade logic is taking hold here where many have said that government policy has focused on mitigating the downsides of globalisation but has failed to take advantage of it.

Questions directed at these visionaries about the sentience of haze particles were quickly dismissed as they asserted that organic molecules were indeed capable of having “conversations”.

The consequences of the bad weather extended to the Physics paper as well, with many students hoping that the Tyndall effect observed would somehow function as a polaroid. As a result, many omitted either one or both polaroids, leaving their answer with the remark “#nofilter”. Physics examiners are believed to have responded with “#rekt”.

An alternative hypothesis that is already being floated by Dr See is the reemergence of the Krakatoa supervolcano in Indonesia. Dr See and his team of geologists believe that the fact haze levels are rising despite all the measures taken to eliminate it point to an unprecedented phenomenon and the supervolcano is a natural fit. Rising levels of BrO in the atmosphere (not to be confused with SiS) indicate some kind of volcanic activity.

An additional testing methodology the team developed was to close their eyes and figure out whether it “feels like nothing changed at all”. This cutting edge technique has been used in analysing the activity of Mt Vesuvius and is likely to shed some light on the matter, even while none is shed on Singapore.

Dr See is particularly concerned about extremism in Singapore due to the volcanic gases. Notably, the NO2 and NO gases are well known for being radicals, posing a significant threat to the local populace.

Waffle Press continues to track the haze situation.