Singaporeans Proven Right, Haze Linked To All Of Humanity’s Problems

After some stunningly boring (but sufficiently scarring) prelim papers, we may not have any new topics to write about. Nonetheless, the haze is still here and it deserves coverage and so Waffle Press reporters met with haze experts nationwide yet again to understand what impact the pollution has had.

We first consulted leading homeopathic physician Dr Bakar Kayu hoping that he could clear the air surrounding the physiological effects of the haze. Dr Kayu suggested that the high PM2.5 concentration was in fact excellent news. He pointed out that a higher concentration would lower the potency of air pollution, a fact that has been exploited by homeopaths for generations.

He was also adamant that the usual low concentrations of air pollution were in fact far more harmful to Singaporeans, praising Sumatrans for improving the air. Dr Kayu then suggested that students too lower their concentration in exams to raise their scores. We were unfortunately unable to consult a Shaman on the matter.

Mineral Water

Picture of potent homeopathic remedy

We subsequently met with renowned haze specialist Dr Connaught See (PhD) who was able to provide a series of potential improvements in haze fighting methodology. He praised Indonesia’s decision to accept help from overseas saying that it “opened the literal floodgates to overseas fire fighting”.

On this note, he recommended that the PUB install the old drains from Orchard road in the jungles of Sumatra. This would result in “ponding” that would prevent the spread of the fire. Dr See suggested supplementing this approach with newfound water from Mars.

Dr See particularly lauded the transfer of the Minister for the Environment to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, now that the environment in Singapore seems to have turned into a foreign policy issue.

There is a silver lining however. After a long and arduous search for a suitable scapegoat, one has finally been found. Moving on from the numerous Singapore registered companies responsible for the forest fires, the haze is now being blamed on Volkswagen diesel cars caught up in Jakarta’s appalling traffic conditions.

The obscenely high emissions from the cars may in fact be single handedly responsible for the high PSI. Fortunately, with Oktoberfest approaching, the Germans are unlikely to find time to hurl insults at Volkswagen as they choose from a range of great beer and bratwurst.

VW smoke emissions

With the approaching haze filled Christmas festivities, some in Singapore have been reminded of the old classic “Rudolph the Red Nosed Mousedeer”. Though with the recent conclusion of prelims, most students are more keen on “All I Want For Christmas Is U”.

On the topic of prelims, all outdoor activities post prelims have unfortunately been thwarted. Most notably, a group of students planning to add sand to dilute potassium hydroxide to prove a point are now unable to make the trip to the beach. Nonetheless, they tried explaining to the Department of Chemistry that in what the department knew, there was something that it didn’t know.

Sand in test tube

Well, good thing the chem department keeps some on hand

The haze also managed to cause worldwide panic after a group of American game developers thought that the smoke came from the explosion of a bomb in Singapore. Many Singaporeans have made it a point to come out and call them “eejits” to which they are believed to have said “freedom, liberty, eagle”.

To be fair, the visibility is pretty low

Our reporters will continue to monitor the situation and post updates accordingly.