The farewell assembly came at an odd time for most J2s, offering them a chance to bid goodbye to the institution before returning two days later for a compulsory lecture. Still, most students have welcomed this pseudo-break since it provides a legitimate excuse for them to put away their books without feeling overly guilty.

An after-party is underway tonight at the Foundations of Shaw for the benefit of the snaek residents there. Learning from American high school parties, students will be drinking, taking drugs and smoking. More specifically, they will be drinking chicken essence, and consuming Adderall.

Strangely enough, a sizeable portion of the cohort was absent with apologies on account of their dishonorable grades. Several students with straight A’s are facing increasing concern that their A level results will be worse than the straight A*’s obtained in their previous major assessment.

In accordance with school culture, the day began with the distribution of certificates and report cards, a rather emotional affair for many students. As previously reported, a small amount of gold leaf had been added to the RD certificates ostensibly to elevate their value.

After much photo-taking, students made their way to the MPH for the assembly itself. Many students were lost on the hazardous trip from the classroom to the MPH, falling down stairs and only regaining consciousness once they were home.

The assembly naturally included the distribution of certificates awarding various accolades to a quarter of the cohort, with the remaining attendees hesitating between interrupting the emcee with applause and clutching their stomachs in pain due to the lack of chance given.

The move was widely lauded by analysts, who said it was good that the school could spend an otherwise emotional final day reminding students that some people meet arbitrary criteria better than others.

However, most other students were already resigned to their fates and sat through the session reflecting on their incompetence and the fact no university would ever accept anyone without several distinctions. Such was the ineptitude of this year’s cohort that the institution had to go to great lengths to procure additional exotic awards to give out.

The subsequent address by a high ranking member of the school staff was however particularly inspiring. The rousing speech touched on important points, reminding students that he was fully aware of their hideouts and that the J8 rooftop was fully visible from his abode. No doubt the keychains issued have sophisticated GPS technology.

The Department of Physics was glad that the speaker made reference to the Orientation song, taking the opportunity to remind students that different colours collide with atoms to give different maximum kinetic energy for photoelectrons.

There was even a special mention to Waffles Press, making the Editors here at the Waffle Press increasingly concerned about the competitor we keep hearing about but never see.

Fortunately, the sight of the rugby in-charge belting out a stirring mandarin number quickly turned students’ attentions back to the stage. The insightful lyrics had many in the centre block of seats bowing their heads in silent meditation. Unfortunately, calls for a rap from the discipline master went wholly unanswered.

The speech delivered by the Guest of Honour received wide acclaim from fringe groups in the school for being a perfect blend of suan and anarchy, a term ELL experts now call “suanarchy”.  Given his track record, analysts speculate the school invited him by specifically telling him not to come.

The school has also reported that it is running into problems as its supply of President’s Scholars for events has run dangerously low. One administrator chalked the problem down to being “shortsighted” and failing to plan for contingencies like this. They are hoping to make up for the shortfall with other types of scholars in the short run and ramping up procurement of President’s Scholars to avoid a similar problem in future.

Cai Fan Gai, a J2 we spoke to afterwards praised the follow-up session in the ISH, noting that it was the redeeming attribute of the entire assembly. However, he was certain that the school could have done better by serving food at the Y1-4 side instead.

To better understand the implications of graduation, we spoke to an expert from the SDRHP. He likened students’ previous plight to that of Prometheus, the school’s patron, who was chained to a cliff for eternity. Much like him, students regularly have their innards rekt by examinations. Scholars however, were insistent that Atlas was a more appropriate comparison, given the incredible world changing implications of the imminent A Levels.

Still, life hasn’t changed much for most students who were busy examining their new-found freedom with suspicion and disbelief. Unfortunately, the prospect of liberty proved too much for many who immediately returned to the safety of the FoS and TYS after the event.