Rumours have recently been circulating about this paper, particularly pertaining to acquisition plans. This has prompted an investigation into these claims about the future of this publication. Waffle Press reports.

Our reporters managed to pin down the origin of these rumours to the very paper we are allegedly acquiring, an Internet blog published under the name “Word of Mouth”. Much like Waffle Press, Word of Mouth appears to cover news pertaining to the institution and its students, staff and programs.

Experts believe Word of Mouth might have made a calculated business maneuver in publishing the article. Financial analysts from the Millikan Institute suspect that the article was a desperate gambit, written in the hope that Waffle Press would rescue the fledgling paper if the idea seemed sufficiently popular.

Unfortunately the false announcement caused a stir of disfavour among the Word of Mouth readers. Nearly half of their readership wrote in to Waffle Press management to verify the information. Consequently, our intern had to miss his lunch break yesterday afternoon to deal with the three lengthy and strongly worded letters that arrived in our mailbox.

Waffle Press asked members of the school teaching staff for their opinions on Word of Mouth. GP tutor Mr Mek Shi Tup told reporters that Word of Mouth’s articles often had unclear thesis statements. This is likely a result of its refusal to take any firm ideological standpoint. The waffling around has vexed GP tutors so much that it is believed to be responsible for the high turnover rate for teacher in charge.

Our resident analysts noted that readers should hardly be surprised by falsehoods. They cautioned that a paper published under a name synonymous with “gossip” or “hearsay” can only be a local tabloid. They pointed out that word of mouth is generally considered the least reliable source of information, calling the publication “pulp” and “applesauce”.

Despite this, sophisticated readers were confounded by the decision to publish the acquisition article on April fool’s day, wondering whether the tabloid was trying to misdirect its audience with information that was actually accurate.

If an acquisition really did happen, economic theory suggests that the acquiring firm controls greater market share, resulting in an increase in deadweight losses for consumers of the papers. This would adversely affect the Waffle Press as it would be left to deal with the dead weight.

The editors worry that running a tabloid parallel to our main paper will distract Waffle Press from our mission of clear, transparent reporting of real issues affecting the school. We understand how much this means to our readers, and are proud to promise our readers that we will never waver from that mission.

Additionally, Ketupat Development Studios, the parent company of Waffle Press, has mentioned in an official statement that it does not want Word of Mouth as a Ketupat subsidiary. They consider the venture too risky, citing “terrible employee performance records” due to “reporters who sometimes act like they’re kids in a high school journalism club”.

As a friendly gesture known colloquially as “giving chance”, the Waffle Press corporate relations department had decided not to pursue the matter further or take legal action. A number of clarifications must be made nonetheless:

This publication’s income is supplemented by coins, files, backpacks and washing machines thrown down the Wishing Well in frustration, not loose change from canteen drains.

The correspondents of this paper adhere to strict principles of journalistic ethics. The publication’s incorruptibility has been recognised by the Ketupat Development Studios Best Publication Award, which Waffle Press has been the recipient of every year since its inception.

Hasty scrawls on Economics Cafe foolscap would not pass Waffle Press Quality and Presentation Standards guidelines. All official written correspondence must be done on pristine white paper and written with a beautiful but impractical cursive handwriting.

 

Garfield is, and will continue to be, the sole proprietor of Word of Mouth.