The tale of the establishment of this prestigious institution is a long and inspiring one. Ever since a certain Englishman held a particular torch, the school has never failed to commemorate the day of its founding with great fanfare.

This year’s founder’s day was no different. To celebrate the landmark 192nd year of the school, the school threw a huge mandatory carnival, allowing all students to reflect on its rich history and tradition. The celebration was a smorgasbord of different events all designed to remind everyone just how much money history the school has.

Of greatest note were the carnival games provided by Uncle Ringo, a trusted name since 1984. The exciting activities had several students queuing up to subject themselves to such atrocities as: being thrown off a bull, being thrown off a surfboard and the classic being thrown off a platform by someone in a funny hat holding a stick. There were even attractive fruit plus prizes to be won.

Of course, these activities were not only about the fun, they were also about having students reflect on their school’s history Students jumping on the bouncy castle were quick to scream “Auspicium Melioris Aevi”, as the fortress of fun reminded them of the great things the school has achieved. One particular student was so excited about his school during the event, he sang the school anthem in full as he prepared to be tossed off a fake bull.

There was other symbolism in the carnival too. Waffle Press analysts speculate that the selection of a bouncy castle had the subliminal effect of helping students bounce back after receiving their atrocious CT results.

Yet another symbolic feature was the food provided at the carnival. Students were treated to a number of delicacies thought to have been consumed at the time of the school’s founding in 1823. These included candy floss, kaya toast, frozen yogurt and of course, heavily Americanized pizza. There are also rumours that the food served in the HP canteen was provided by Stamford Catering. While Sir Thomas Bingley was unable to grace the occasion, we are sure he would have been proud.

The canteen stall owners were unfortunately devastated by the hit and run competition. Even local monopolist Chill was hit hard by the presence of so much real food.

In addition to the food and carnival games, students who were forced to partake in the carnival had the opportunity to engage in several sporting events, often with deeper meaning to complement their civilian moral education. For instance, students who experienced the futility of thrashing about in a hamster ball are expected to better cope with routine schoolwork, seeing as the latter is significantly easier than walking on water.

The carnival also provided another chance for outstanding athletes to showcase their talents. To demonstrate the school’s strong belief in meritocracy in all things from sine to sinew, rigorous standards continue to be applied even for carnival games, ensuring they are won only by the best. The competition is very highly regarded, generally considered on par with the Youth Olympic Games.

Several athletes our reporters spoke to at the many games admitted they had trained for several years for this very day, enduring budget cuts and obscurity just to clinch the gold on Founder’s Day which they described as the “culmination of [their] sporting career”.

After the mandatory waffling around prior to the actual sporting events, many athletes also confessed they were shocked by the duration allocated for actual sport. Some compared the speedy matches to the MCQs still at the back of their minds. Students noted the ludicrous speed could help prepare them for the similarly slap-happy constraints faced during examinations.

Many carnival-goers acknowledged the carnival was more fun than they had previously expected. Even those who arrived with their trusty TI-84 and an arsenal of stationery eventually capitulated to the party atmosphere, embracing one of the last few respites remaining before the real kicker in November.

The success of the carnival came despite strong disapproval from the man upstairs. Even though comradeship and fervent hope was present in abundance throughout the duration of the carnival, it appears that god was largely unwilling to guide the way. Instead, students were subjected to harsh sunlight which they endured only out of undying love for the institution.

Overall the carnival had great success with students. Peak human traffic was attained at around 9 am  and 12 noon before quickly correcting itself to exactly five people for the rest of the duration. Most students described the carnival as “surprisingly okay”, giving a thumbs up to the school administrators who planned it. While it will never quite match up to the completely total defense related exploits at Siloso beach, it’ll have to do for now.