The IHC sports events have always been a great opportunity for athletic students to get a free t-shirt win their house some points while learning a single new word borrowed from an obscure language and taken way out of context. This year, the IHC sports ICs have developed a new, more inclusive event that they hope will be able to engage students of all backgrounds while imparting practical everyday skills.

The new sport consists of both strength and endurance components, making it one of the most demanding sports in the IHC. It is set to take place in the lecture theatres during school hours and draw on several aspects of school life.

The first part of the game involves getting to the top of the lecture theatre. But with a twist. As is common in lectures, students will have to ascend by stepping on the chairs in the LT. This makes the climb rather more challenging but is unlikely to be much of a problem for the “gurkhas of the LT”. Players will also be treated to a motivational performance by a randomly selected lecturer consisting of threats holding their disciplinary records and precious testimonials in jeopardy.

The winners will progress to the next segment, which consists solely of dealing the maximum possible damage to the tables and chairs in the LT. With extra credit awarded for making tables disappear entirely and destroying chairs, many students are should be able to hold their own in this event.

The last part will pose the greatest challenge to students. This endurance segment requires students to remain conscious throughout a 2 hour lecture explaining the reaction mechanisms of several obscure organic compounds. As an added challenge, students will also be notified that the content being lectured is “not in the A level syllabus”, a statement capable of turning off even the most enthusiastic chemistry student.

The torture does not end there though, not only are students required to remain wide awake, they must also keep pace with the lecturer, who will intentionally gloss over anything remotely interesting and come to a grinding halt when praising the properties of ‘lone pairs’.

The in-house torture department will employ an array of techniques inspired by their peers in Guantanamo and Moscow. All digital clocks within the lecture theatre will be modified to alternate in directions and sometimes come to a complete stop. Lecturers will use a minimum of 5 different fonts per slide, with text in grey and slightly lighter gray or neon colours to further torment victims.

As is evident, this challenge is not for the faint of heart. Nonetheless, it is anticipated that many students will willingly sign up for this simulation of a perfectly ordinary day only to be utterly crushed in the final phase. The editors at Waffle Press will pray sincerely for their souls. Those who manage to survive all 3 stages will earn a substantial number of points for their respective houses and possibly secure rights to the coveted central position amongst the flagpoles.