The Law Of Shaw

A recent move by the Foundations of Shaw to keep the library open till 9 but disallow students from using the upper floors has caused quite a stir amongst students. Waffle Press editors spoke to Chief Analyst Dr Daw Jee Gai to find out what the reasons behind this strange new rule might be.

Dr Daw explained the new rule was heavily under the influence of recent legislation regulating getting high after dark. Naturally, FoS administrators see it fit to err on the side of caution and prevent a breach of the law. Dr Daw then went on to suggest the possible rationale behind such a perplexing directive.

The first of these is the most apparent. Preventing student access to the top of the FoS allows the area to be used for a wild disco party instead. While supporting evidence for this is largely anecdotal, Dr Daw insisted that it is not to be dismissed lightly, gesturing towards the tinted glass in the premises.

A conflicting theory suggests that the area may in fact be haunted by the ghost of Mary Shaw. Such a rule would then be necessary to protect students from the formidable poltergeist. Additionally, this also offers protection for students from the FoS’ indigenous snæks that are notoriously difficult to spot at night. Dr Daw cited librarians’ eccentric behavior as supporting evidence, pointing out that their attempts to reduce the noise level are aimed at avoiding the wrath of the resident populace.

Dr Daw suggested that the move may be more beneficial than students could possibly understand. By shifting all the students to the first floor, they are in fact doing the students a great service. Years of research by the school have in fact revealed that increasing concentration of students will increase concentration of students. This practice of bringing so many muggers to the same floor is known among snæxperts as “snæks on a plain”.

Additionally, the move is hoped to prevent students from going completely bonkers amidst the aisles on the top floor. Research has shown that prolonged exposure to these mysterious texts there results in dizziness, headaches and a sudden envy of scholars.

Several snæxperts have now travelled to the Foundations of Shaw to investigate the full effects of the new ruling. We briefly caught up with one of them to find out what they had discovered.

Lead snæxpert Prof Tu Mah Ge told reporters that many have now been seen preemptively placing tissue packets on first floor tables. Further developments are expected, with the humble tissue pack predicted to evolve into mini umbrellas by next week. While international experts initially hypothesised it indicated a sudden flu epidemic, they were quick to realise that this is a way for the local populace to mark its territory.

He also noted some ill effects of the policy. Indeed, the crowding out of students by forcing them onto a single floor had adversely affected their interest rates and resulted in a mass outflow. This, combined with the annoying barriers to entry at the FoS, has reduced mugging to below socially optimal levels. Unfortunately, the Department of Economics was not available for comment.

Waffle Press will continue to closely monitor the situation.