Get Set For Regret Night

As students prepare their outlandish costumes for tonight, Waffle Press reports on how you can get ready for the glamorous evening ahead of you.

The dinner will take place at a well known hotel today. Analysts have already praised the decision to place it just a few hours after the conclusion of the H3 Chemistry and H3 Biology examinations, telling reporters “you want to study medicine? get used to it.”

The primary concern for the night is of course the need for formal attire. We spoke to recently graduated student Mr Tuck See Do, a self-proclaimed fashionista who derives his authority wholly from “knowing a guy in runway”.

Mr Tuck suggested students appear to the event in fluorescent golden unitards, explaining that such a striking outfit will spark a new trend, buying overly creative male students some time to feel truly different as they transition from one uniform to another.

Eagle-Eyed editors at this publication would like to issue fair warning though, as Mr Tuck is likely gunning for the best dressed award and the cut-throat competitiveness instilled in him over 2 years is unlikely to have worn off.

Teachers have noted that the great deal of preparation that goes into the choice of outfit and various other stylistic decisions rivals that done before ‘A’ levels. Still, they steered clear of speculation over whether this was an attempt to compensate for something, reminding our reporters they had already washed their hands of any association with students or exams.

Students also seem concerned about the quality of the photos taken, given the fact that the amount of alcohol they intend to consume afterwards is unlikely to leave any trace of the Picture Perfect Night in their memories. Many are preparing large elaborate photography equipment to capture every exciting and meaningful moment of a night that seems to exist solely to take pictures anyway.

Those of the hipster variety have also prepared their arsenal of “Polaroid” cameras, which intentionally distort images before printing them onto small squares. While these hardcopies may seem out of place in the digital age, many students will value having these pictures in their wallets for the better part of a month before tossing them to make space for their adult EZ-Link cards (goodbye concession fares).

And then, there is the elephant in the room. An issue so colossal, it has sparked a lengthy debate in this institution about what Grad Night really means. The matter is of course, the Grad Night wristband fiasco.

While the issue was silently brewing for months, when the shit finally hit the elaborate chandelier of the Shangri-La Ballroom, it was time for the organisers to shut down the haters, presenting what can only be described as the greatest piece of expository writing the world has ever known.

Dear Grad Night 2015 attendees, We understand there may be some concerns about the “Picture Perfect” wrist bands…

Posted by RI Grad Night 2015: Picture Perfect on Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Upon reading the post above, many students are believed to have exclaimed “who hurt you so bad”. To settle the matter once and for all, we spoke to experts on both sides, all of whom are so completely devoid of meaning after A levels, they have nothing better to talk about.

Evidently emboldened by this publication’s recent pro-establishment article, the wristband supporters came on with convincing arguments, deriding the childish “chop” system and detailing the many ways in which it could be thwarted. They also pointed to the vast efforts that had gone into:

sourcing for wrist bands that would be as comfortable and appealing as possible, matched by the industry put in to propose designs that would be memorable and thematic enough for attendees to want to retain the wristband as a keepsake

What this means for the average attendee is that the wristband will be made of the finest silk velvet that will be embroidered by hand by an Italian master tailor as he simultaneously rides a unicycle on the roof of a moving locomotive.

Wristband supporters also noted several other solid points made by the organisers. For one, the organisers had spent months researching the various transfer mechanisms for ink based solutions, making them the authority on the matter. Undoubtedly several literature reviews and a WR that would make a PW tutor weep have already been written to support the organisers’ stance. Even more important was the:

rigour of review given to all Grad Night matters and processes – a rigour that may escape the casual eye of those who have not been involved in the planning of an event of this scale or very specific parameters and constraints.

In a line best described as “totally not blatant self praise”, these 17-year-olds made it instantly apparent that their vast experience in organising large scale events made them incredibly qualified to deal with the parameters of this event. Indeed it is only several misguided committees that have held them back from becoming president.

Given the clear need to provide qualifications as demonstrated above, the group is expected to upload their progress reports and CCA records later today.

Supporters have also made it a point to note that wristbands have been used at well known large scale events at the past. The passing reference to an indie music festival cements the wristband idea as a strong one and appeases the hipster folk who care so deeply about their pictures.

To the individuals who believed that these elaborate wristbands will shift the focus of the photographs exclusively onto the band, the pro-wristband activists gave several courses of action. These included tucking the thing in your sleeve and putting it in your pocket during photo taking, neither of which are likely to prove particularly challenging for students who just pulled off ‘A’ levels.

We hope you enjoy Grad Night. Cheers to those who worked to make it happen. Drink responsibly.