A recent series of policy shifts by the school administration is preparing the school for the difficult but necessary transition to a good school. Waffle Press reports.

Shiny new legislation passed by the highest chambers of the Crystal Palace has brought in rules that have seen great success in Singapore’s primary schools.

Most notable among these is a new “handphone policy” that prohibits the use of cellphones between lessons – requiring them to be placed in backpacks or lockers. While it is not clear what problem this solves, students are already applauding the unprecedented opportunity it gives them to stare at their shoes and make absent-minded remarks about the weather.

In light of the ongoing epidemic of traffic accidents in the school’s hallways, the school has also banned students from using cellphones while walking. Just last week, three members of the faculty were slightly inconvenienced as students playing Agar.io were unable to simultaneously dodge both the teachers and “[TYT] [INA] unnamed”.

Waffle Press Editors were hard at work trying to recreate the incident

Another important piece of legislation was the “You Shall Not Piss Act”. The law requires that students now take one of two toilet passes when using the restroom during afternoon assembly. Several students were ecstatic upon hearing of the rule, telling reporters “Wow, I got a pass? That’s a first.”

Dr Bingley, an analyst at the Millikan Institute, noted that any toilet pass was entirely redundant as the MPH toilets were so bafflingly small that they couldn’t accommodate more than two students anyway.

However, freelance discipline consultant Mr Hilter praised the rule. He pointed out that preventing students from escaping would allow students to focus better. This, together with the refusal to address the actual content of the assembly would create the atmosphere of a true concentration camp.

The head of the school’s newly formed Gestapo informed Waffle Press reporter Sean Penn that needing to use the restroom enhances one’s ability to lie. It is believed that when he was asked what purpose this would serve, he talked about how students could appear more interested during assembly, before taking a swig of his vodka, staring wistfully into the distance and remarking “they’re lying to themselves”.

The school is also expected to introduce other primary school classics including requiring students to hold hands when walking around.

Another key change that is now being implemented is the evolution of the long and cumbersome “Gap Semester” to the more flexible “Gap Week Or So”. School administrators have initiated the process of shortening and taming the Gap Semester by cutting down on its duration and the availability of international programmes.

This comes after previous batches were overwhelmed by the educational value of the full-fledged gap semester with many complaining that the exposure to the real world was entirely useless compared to sitting in a classroom studying organic chemistry. These complaints then led the school to conclude that the best way to create “Leaders” and “Pioneers” was by being neither of those things.

Perhaps we could be the sort of pioneer that makes DVRs in 2016

School administrators we spoke to pointed out that saving time on gap semester would help the school cope with budget cuts as “time is money”. This might explain why the school has prioritised installing GPS synchronised clocks even though half the water coolers are always leaking.

The Y1-4 side of the school has also been subject to sweeping new regulations. Having retrenched all the classroom cleaning staff, the school has instituted a mandatory classroom cleaning session every morning as crackling teletubbies elevator music is played in the background.

At Y5-6, students can be conscripted to clean classrooms during civics. Given this new entrant to the already-heated competition for the civics slot, many students are wondering whether there will be any time for actual civics between extra economics tutorials and classroom cleaning.

Even several science lab staff members were asked to leave. High ranking members of the administration told reporters that “a spa has no place in a good school”.

While this is a great way to promote personal responsibility, observers have noted that the school could probably have managed to cut costs without taking peoples’ jobs away. Multi-million dollar questions include the Crystal Palace, utilities bills, perpetual renovations and bouncy castles.

Yet another intriguing move made by the school was to cancel the Malaysian Montage trip and replace it with “Singapore Snapshots”. They cited the rise of the ringgit from 2.5 to 3 against the SGD, making the trip unaffordable. Attempts by economics students to explain that currency doesn’t work that way fell on deaf ears.

As budget restrictions grow, students can expect to sit in Computer Lab 6 and use Google Street View to explore Sentosa as early as 2017.

While the rough road to goodness will require adjustments and accommodations from students, we trust that staff and students will embrace the changes in eager anticipation of the better future we are ostensibly headed towards.