A confused physics student accidentally found his way into the ISH during the physics examination. The student unfortunately failed to recognise that he was sitting for the wrong paper until after it had begun and mortified when he discovered that he did not actually know what a ribosome was and what it did. He was further confounded when the rest of the candidates began whispering to themselves about some singing Greek king.

In a cruel twist however, the student appears to have outflanked, rather than outflunked, his peers. By guessing each and every answer in the MCQ  section, the student obtained 25% for the section, a figure that many of his peers in the MPH could only dream of. He then proceeded to answer all the structured questions with the simple phrase “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”. This earned him an astonishing 95% for the structured questions, outdoing even those who study Biology.

In the MPH, several students were crushed by the paper. One student went so far as to vow to live without air conditioning for the rest of his life. Some students, who had spent 6 months studying semiconductors in unfriendly territory felt offended by the 1 mark dedicated to the topic, citing the bold proclamation by the physics department that “testing only 1 mark in MCQ” was exactly what they didn’t intend to do.

Candidates felt particularly betrayed by the continuous barrage of structured questions asking for definitions and other qualitative content since avoiding such questions was their primary motivation for taking physics. Many were horrified to discover “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” was not an accepted answer for any question.

Thermistors placed in the MPH recorded record low temperatures, adding weight to students’ complaints of brain freeze. Survivors speculated the Physics Department had been over-excited in their use of heat pumping AC units and insulation layers.

Several students even collapsed during the paper, finding that there were no longer any energy levels for them to occupy.

As a disaster relief effort, the Waffle Press has initiated the “Save the Physics Student” campaign. We will shortly put up a petition to plead the department to consider all marks above 10 to be ‘bonus’. Affected students can contact us at 1800-GETREKT.