“The fight for the Dean’s List brings out the best in people. It helps them reach their potential.”

– Hiss Excellency Ai Suan Guan, Closet Chairman, Closet Muggers Confederation

It is a regular pilgrimage that is a sight to behold. Every exam season, the most potent snӕks on campus flock to the Foundations of Shaw. The greatest of these creatures spend days “snӕking” away at a stretch in the hopes of being honoured on the mighty List of Deans.

Due to their busy and reclusive nature, very little is known about snӕks. Taxonomists have long put them under the broad “Dean’s List Master Race” but this classification has long been considered as incomplete.

In order to dispel the air of mystery around the humble snӕk, a research team led by Dr Bingley embarked on a project that aimed to understand the culture surrounding snӕks. They published their findings last month in an ill reputed journal for a ‘small fee’.

Dr Bingley’s team discovered that snӕk worship had an enormous presence that pervaded almost every aspect of the school culture. Students regularly seek the blessings of the great snӕks in preparation for major examinations in the hopes of obtaining higher scores in return. This is the modern adaption of ancient snake worship which boasts several thousand years of practice across a variety of cultures.

Some snӕks have amassed a sizeable number of achievements. One snӕk we spoke to told us that he had 4 International Olympiad golds, 6 Deans List placings and 12 patents in thermonuclear fusion. He also mentioned scoring full marks on a survey and setting extra questions for himself at the back of H2 papers as some of his more illustrious accomplishments. Of the culture surrounding them he said “what, I don’t study. I’m dead for CT2.” On that note, our reporter retreated to a safe distance, earnestly nodding and making his best “I believe you” face.

Snӕks have also been found to be predatory critters. During exam season, they can be seen hunting keenly for one of the rarest creatures on campus, the famed “Spotted Question”. Those who succeed are aided significantly in their quest for Dean’s List domination.

Also of great interest is a small cupboard rumoured to exist deep in the vast Foundations of Shaw. Much has been speculated about this particular cupboard over the last 190 years but only now has the truth been discovered by Dr Bingley. Dr Bingley’s team of linguists quickly discovered that the cupboard was in fact the source of the word “closet mugger”, much to the delight of over-enthusiastic ELL students.

It has also often been said that some students are “such closet muggers, they have adventures in Narnia”.  The research team found that this was in fact not too far from the truth. Students who spend a significant amount of time in the cupboard are granted access to a region just south of Gondor, home to Suan Mountain. It is here that many of them perfect the art of not giving chance, under the tutelage of Rich Uncle Pennybags himself. Those who reach the peak of the mountain are often worshipped as gods when they return to the realm of mortals.