Students Sick Of Econs, Denied Cure

An epidemic has descended on the student populace. Dazed students lumbered out of the ISH and MPH this morning with the knowledge that the Economics Department had once again outdone themselves, managing to wipe the floor with even the best-prepared snaeks. We spoke to Mr Yew Dun Ngoh, Jack to find out more.

As it turns out, many students have now declared themselves “sick of econs” after being tormented by the paper. Leading pharmaceutical companies have already refused to take up research to find a cure for it and the related “exam fever”. Even students describing themselves as “damn poor thing” failed to provide a sufficiently strong case for direct government provision of the medication.

Mr Yew explained the questions were carefully crafted by only the most talented German skilled workers. Incredible attention to detail and precision engineering allowed for particularly accurate screwing, bringing students within micrometers of their lives. Many students are reported to have raised small and middle fingers in response.

Responding to student’s complaints about the impossible passage of time, the Department denies having “messed with time itself”. This statement was met with skeptical looks from students, including economics student Dok Ter Hu, who asserted the impossibility of completing the paper without a time machine.

The mention of a time machine during the phone call did pique the curiosity of the NSA however, who have long been looking for a way to invade the resource-rich past in the name of “freedom”. Of course this has nothing to do with the oils spoils of war.

When asked about the possible impact of the TTIP, one student suggested the construction of a time machine by the United States might be useful in regaining the country’s long-lost CA. This is an especially pressing problem as a team of archaeologists and paleontologists recently unearthed the remains of small and medium sized natives on US soil, lending credence to the theory the USA once had CA in something other than consumption.

After being heavily scarred by the paper, students in the MPH who were previously considering higher education at YLL and LKC are now desperately trying to pick up H2 Physics, much to the consternation of their Biology tutors. Ironically, the paper has also had the effect of boosting interest in H3 Pharm Chem, as students scramble to benefit from the profiteering in the industry.

Observers noted that the impending Greece and Spain bailout is likely to help in the ongoing quest to repeatedly punish Germany for its role in WWII. Fortunately, a movement within the school aims to collect Gold, Silver and Bronze medals from olympiad winners to bailout the entire eurozone. Negotiations are presently underway and “world’s greatest negotiator” Donald Trump has already been engaged to help arrange for the medals to be donated.

We also spoke to student Alexis C. Praas, who for many weeks has failed to hand in his economics homework despite repeated stern warnings. He told reporters that after this latest incident, he had finally had enough and decided to quit altogether.

Mr Yew then noted that the Department had previous considered the oil crisis as a backdrop for the case study but dropped the idea because of anticipated opposition from the Social Justice League. Of course, making the case about oil would not help enraged students trying to burn the paper to return some warmth to their cold, tragic lives.

He went on to explain that the Marker-Lenient Condition is unlikely to hold true given markers are likely to seize this last opportunity to reduce students’ self-esteem.

In the wake of the paper, many students founded a new religion “Capitalism” in the desperate hope that its almighty deities will adjust their scores to some socially optimal level. They claim their god’s “invisible hand” will guide them even as their own hands fall apart during the paper. They have already named “Ty Dolla $ign” as their one and only true “profit”.

Buoyed by their recent success exorcising the Olympians, the Spanish Inquisition is already looking into the matter.

Despite the tragic slaughter, Waffle Press will continue reporting on the papers, assuming Dr Coconut and Huey don’t drown in their own tears by then.