The passage of time has continued completely unnoticed by students who spent most of the last month preoccupied with getting rekt by their Prelims. However, having partially recovered from their melancholy stupor, several observant students suddenly realised it was October.

Disbelief has spread like the Kalimantan fire throughout the population, stupefying most students in shock and inducing panic as many realised for the first time that the examination that determines the rest of their life is only 4 weeks away. The news instantly sent the entire population back to depression.

This was of course helped by the Twitter account @DaysToALevels which was established for the sole purpose of telling students to get their ass off Twitter and back to work. A daily countdown is also available at the premises of the many tuition centres located islandwide.

Surveys conducted by the Millikan Institute revealed most people felt it was only January last week whilst several others reported completing their PSLE just yesterday.

Reminders that failing an examination of such epic proportions will tear the universe apart continue to weigh on students’ minds. Queues outside the underground are now longer than those at Tan’s Chinese Cooked Food at 1pm. No doubt this is because the underground has proven exceptionally conducive for breakdowns of all sorts.

Pointed looks are now being directed at the RSI, the local authority on the matter. However, our reporters discovered the institute has yet to set aside time to conduct their important temporal research. Dr. Bingley steadfastly denied time has actually gone faster this year, as well as claims that the rate of passage of time is inversely proportional to the time left to As.

The claim that time proceeds at a steady pace has drawn flak from several Physics students who made reference to the theory of relativity. They pointed out that an hour may seem like a lot of time to be queuing for Khoon’s Chinese Recipes but is actually no time at all during an Economics paper. These are unfortunately the very Physics students who are likely to attain an astonishing 1.66E-27 for their Physics prelim.

Students’ sentiments were shared by Hollywood and the international scientific community who suddenly realised they have only three weeks remaining to make 15 Jaws sequels and invent self-tying shoes respectively.

Kronos, the titan god of time did not respond to our requests for comment tied to a rock and thrown down Tartarus (Hermes was busy and DHL doesn’t cover the region). We did however catch a glimpse of the Greek economy sinking down its depths.¹

Drawing inspiration from climate change deniers and cigarette lung cancer deniers, the school’s leading quacks have already assembled under the leadership of Donald Tam to conveniently deny the month. There is now a petition underway to swap the order of the months this year because of the sheer number of people insisting it can’t possibly be October yet. However, the response has been lukewarm so far, with most students already resigned to their sorry fates.

An official reminder from the school administration is expected sometime next week during the aptly-named post-mortem assemblies. Speakers at the assembly can look forward to addressing the pile of student remains left after the Prelim exams. Some interesting tidbits from past assemblies include “studying might improve your grades” and “it’s never too late to drop to H1”. Unfortunately, the latter advice was largely ignored by some students as evidenced by this video about a student refusing to drop to H1 despite being slaughtered by H2 (not for the squeamish).

¹ To the Social Justice League, apologies if the Ancient Greek Pantheon joke was too soon