J2 Students Very Confused


After the recent Prelim exam papers, J2 students have all been faced with the same question during this strange pseudo-holiday: “should I be studying?” Waffle Press speaks to students and tutors to find out more.

Waffle Press analysts find that exams are particularly exhausting for several reasons. It is only in an exam hall that you can find hundreds of individuals go from praying fervently to believing that there can be no god within a few minutes. This existential roller coaster ride and the prolonged hard work required are no doubt key factors.

However, there should be no respite for the weary according to President Ai Suan Guan, a renowned closet mugger who is “screwed for Prelims”. Suan Guan presented a convincing case, telling reporters that “all work and no play will get Jack straight A’s and right now I don’t give a rat’s arse about anything else”.

It is then hardly surprising that many students have opted to surrender any semblance of a life in the name of ‘A’ levels. It is perhaps for this very reason that this institution is the only place on earth that could host an event called “Mega Mugging Madness”, a name more suitable for a sequel of Grand Theft Auto. Nonetheless, with a slogan like “sustenance and solidarity” and a campaign showcasing a range of dishes explicitly not catered for the event, few students could resist signing up.

Several students have opted to take a break, a decision that they will regret for the rest of their lives as their imperfect A level certificates serve as a measure of their self worth and disqualify them from future achievement.

Other students have taken neither option, choosing instead the bizarre path of distracting themselves with other tests like the SAT and the BMAT. These students are evidently feeling the void left by the lack of examinations for a full month. Extend a helping hand to these hapless products of the system.

Tutors interviewed insisted that students get back to work pronto, having marked the Prelim papers and officially declared a “war on error”.

A notable chemistry lecturer was quick to point out students’ complete inability to think like him, leading to their comprehensive destruction. He repeatedly suggested that students go home and memorise chemistry logic, a field that has often proven to be at odds with regular logic.

Physics lecturer Dr Bingley was similarly convinced that students needed to study a lot more. However he was at a loss when reporters asked him what exactly students were supposed to study, citing the fact that the department could afford spending an entire lecture on the scheme of work and that students would be inevitably trolled with hitherto unseen questions.

Rumours are also circulating that the Economics Department may make an important announcement come next week. Relative sentiment towards the usually disliked subject has inched from detest to “meh” in recent weeks, helped not least by students’ growing disillusion with their other subjects. Even once ardent critics of the department’s methods have finally caved, acknowledging that the department’s emphasis on rote learning has spared them the actual thinking required in other subjects.

Some pray the department may finally be revealing the duration of the actual paper, a time span many have long suspected is several times the length allocated during school exams. Nonetheless, few can dispute the fact writing at four times the speed of GP tutors has successfully increased the writing efficiency (though perhaps not the penmanship) of the local workforce.

Students are hardly looking forward to receiving their results next week though, particularly the MCQ papers, which are being called “40 shades of ‘A’” due to a clever combination of M. Night-worthy twists and an complete lack of time.