A local student was seen panicking frantically in the vicinity of the Foundations of Shaw after seeing his friends hard at work preparing for the impending examinations. Waffle Press reports.

The student, Mr Ji Ji Leow, told reporters that Prelims were just days away when he first experienced symptoms of constipation, preventing him from giving a shit. As the exams drew nearer and his peers all began to stress about the exam, he tells us that he remained surprisingly composed, having lost the will to go on.

He explained that he found respite in popular racing game BurnOut, which’s name initially piqued his curiosity due to its striking resemblance to his own situation. Playing the game, he found that the objective of driving opponent vehicles into walls was particularly reminiscent of the bell curve, providing the every man for himself environment that he had grown accustomed to.

However, the familiar and comfortable environment the game provided did not last for long. Ji Ji has been experiencing breakdowns with increasing frequency, especially in the vicinity of the library where the mere sight of his friends hard at work drove him mad. In exquisite detail, Mr Leow described the faint “hiss” that came from the venue and the profound effect it had on his sanity.

He was however quick to note that the hissing was not entirely due to the abundance of snaeks in the library. Instead, he pointed to the copious amounts of noxious smoke passing under the door, no doubt a consequence of the numerous SDRHP citizens who had occupied the FoS. Ji Ji took special care to call these prolific smokers “Volkswagens” stating that they were of course Fabry-Perot etalons, capable of amplifying emissions via the stimulated emission of emissions.

Sadly, requests for comments on the sad plight of Ji Ji directed at the administration were blue-ticked. Staff were presumably too busy patting themselves on the back for successfully pressuring students to turn up for lectures during their designated “study break”.

Ji Ji was particularly concerned about chemistry, stating that halfhearted efforts from the department to “bless students with resonance” were unlikely to delocalise any marks, substantially increasing the s-character of his grades. While the reasoning behind this does not seem sound, we have yet to consult the chemistry lecture notes to confirm whether this particular leap of logic is acceptable.

Taking cues from the Department of Economics on how to stretch the clinic analogy to its limits, Ji Ji told reporters that a regular clinic was going to be insufficient and that an A&E room would be required if his ‘A’ levels were to be saved.

Evidently losing his cool, he started ranting about all kinds of minor annoyances in the school, making special note of the form requiring students to declare their hair colour (grab your copy at the SAC today!) and the fact that the canteen restrooms were somehow unavailable most of the time.

We don’t really want to know what that bottle contains.

In stark contrast however, some students seem to be relishing the opportunity to mug non-stop. Prominent Indonesian transfer student Nowan Eva told reporters that “A levels no kick”. It is worth noting that his opinion is particularly important given the general consensus that Nowan is perfect.

Noting the lack of bounciness in the Crystal Palace, Waffle Press analysts have strongly recommended the installation of a permanent bouncy castle to help students like Ji Ji de-stress, even if it is no longer possible for their grades to rebound.