Students stepping into the exam hall today were glad to have the chance to finally make use of the wealth of GP knowledge they accumulated over the last two years. They were met with an incredibly well set paper that managed to completely invalidate any attempts at studying, as evidenced by the sudden interest in energy policy from all kinds of students.

Indeed, the tragedy has provided a platform for displays of solidarity amongst students as they collectively decided to gamble the rest of their lives on an essay topic they were completely unprepared for. Completely absent were popular favourites like terrorism and aid despite the latter being urgently required. Instead, examiners skillfully attacked local students’ greatest weakness: knowledge about their society, setting a total of three 50 mark AQs in paper 1.

Citizens of the Sovereign Democratic Republic of HP were however wholly unperturbed. Entirely confident of their HP, they were seen working on their Manna after the exam. They would however be unhappy to note that several students had opted to write that the question for Singapore is not whether to focus on local or foreign talent, but instead it is whether to focus on art at all. Clearly these suicidal science students had found a cause worthy enough to die for.

Towards the end of Paper 2, many students resigned to their fate were seen burning their scripts, noting that T was in fact one letter above U. One particular student, Ji Ji Liao, told reporters: “I spent the whole night watching A-Team hoping it would be auspicious, turns out I’m Mr T”.

Other students were seen fervently attempting to offer their souls to satan in exchange for straight As in their A levels.

We asked Ji Ji about his Paper 1, and he reluctantly revealed that he had in fact attempted the rather dangerous Question 12.

Reporter: “Why did you choose question 12?”

Student: “Well, I simply looked up for a sign from god.”

Reporter: “Did you see one?”

Student: “No, why do you think I chose 12?”

Evidently fond of triple entendres, Ji Ji went on to say “I’d be ok if the marker is slightly ticked off with my essay, I just hope he isn’t cross”.

Many students were particularly upset with the lack of paraphrasing options. Popular substitutions for “duration” and “time” included “what starts with d and rhymes with curation?” and “second half of spacetime”. One especially clever student pointed out that the 8 hour time difference between Singapore and the UK makes a substitution superfluous.

A prominent college counsellor told students that their odds at making it into top universities were not substantially diminished as they were never very high to begin with. He suggested that perhaps the essays were to be flown over and dropped on terrorist organisations, hopefully smiting them with the low quality responses students had produced.

As usual, KI students had an absolute blast conjuring complicated sounding arguments for examiners. Popular questions included “If Peter Piper picked a pack of Red Hot Chilli Peppers, is there a god?” and “How can we know that something is the case?”. Students islandwide crafted creative arguments to bamboozle examiners and consequently net high scores. Many explored a wide range of possible cases, including suitcases, briefcases, and nutcases. Others wrote lengthy rants about how “if wisdom so important, why you never call the subject WI?” Such sophisticated arguments will no doubt make examiners feel incredibly clever for gleaning any limited amount of information, prompting them to give unusually high scores.