During a “post-mortem” session, a bold Mathematician from the department made a series of unprecedented statements. Waffle Press investigates.

The episode began with the teacher, Mr Ee Er San, declaring that there were in fact newsworthy articles outside The Waffle Press. While this seems an outrageous proposition to most, the intrepid tutor went on to extol the virtues of an article from another publication.

Of course the teacher in question had presumably conducted the necessary research before attempting to educate students. However his non-random selection of a single article raised question about his sampling methods. Fortunately, our experienced statistical analysts were able to quickly dismiss the claims of a single tutor as “statistically insignificant”.

The article in question suggested that students minimise their screen time to increase their grades. Of course, in this institution, the advice was taken rather seriously with many students seen smashing their phones and tablets and frantically adjusting their digital watches after the lecture.

Though it was not the intention of Mr Ee, some students set fire to their calculators and purchased abacuses instead, announcing proudly that they “would not take any chances”. This is of course entirely valid, since GCs do give a substantial amount of chance to their users.

After advising students to spend more time on other subjects, Mr Ee also spent some time motivating students. In addition to the usual story of the tortoise and the hare (during which most high scorers were fast asleep), he told of another more interesting story.

According to him, our institution has consistently scored ~70% A’s for mathematics over the past few years. However, in one particular year, another unnamed school achieved an astonishing 83.6% A rate, leaving us completely in the dust. In this truly non-elitist institution, this caused widespread panic and was made a staple horror story for students here, who were completely stunned by the mere thought of being outclassed.

Undoubtedly, the culture of the unnamed school is to blame, with students there inexplicably electing to study more. In response to this disparity, swift action was taken and MRT construction activities in Bukit Timah were expedited to distract these strange students and restore order to the universe.

We track this story as it develops.