Inspired by last year’s disastrous ‘A’ Level GP paper, the mysterious knowledge skills department has once again thwarted students’ attempts to study for the subject. Waffle Press reports.

In a deliberate effort to demotivate GP students after the 56% distinction rate at the ‘A’ Levels, examiners prepared a battery of questions that caught students entirely off guard. The majority of candidates left the test venue wondering how a single sentence on a piece of paper so effectively caused an hour and a half of misery.

Many students were shocked that the department could question the objectivity of the press. While they conceded that some publications frequently appeared biased, they pointed to the bastion of fact-centric ethical reporting that is The Waffle Press.

Those who did attempt the question turned it on the GP department and discussed the complete lack of objectivity in GP marking, undoubtedly provoking the ire of the department and scoring almost no marks as a consequence.

Don’t call me Toby any more, call me Bodacious T

Several members of Runway, including prolific designer and full time diva Bodacious T walked out of the exam hall on the verge of tears, having spent 10 minutes actually considering the value of fashion.

Staring at the single sheet of paper that ensured their eternal failure, many students let loose their pent-up frustration. One notable student who scored “BUDDA” in his promotional examinations was spotted productively spending the time slowly ripping the sheet of paper apart with the aura of a zen master whilst whispering “all problems are illusion of mind”.

In an attempt to outmanoeuvre the GP department, one student we spoke to explained that when agreeing with the statement that “Education has only produced academically bright but socially inept individuals”, the poor articulation of his ideas would only further substantiate his stand, netting him incredibly high marks.

The Arts questions saw several students pulling daring stunts. Most notable was the gambit by proud science student Poh Tay Toh, whose essay consisted of the single line “The arts are indeed of no real value to society.” He then proceeded to use the rest of the provided writing paper to do physics practice questions.

Some topics proved to be particularly relevant to students’ lives. Students were able to justify surveillance with recently acquired information that the school campus was equipped with CCTV coverage that exceeds those of other schools in Singapore. They reasoned that it was necessary to identify and punish miscreants who engage in morally corrupt acts such as PDAs (Public Displays of Acknowledgement) with members of the opposite gender.

and we don’t even have Morgan Freeman to sound good doing it

Discussion on refugees proved to be a topic close to the hearts of some students from the Sovereign Democratic Republic of HP, who wrote impassioned essays in response. Waffle Press correspondents report that the discovery of a crumpled organic chemistry worksheet in the HP Lecture Theatre has given rise to rampant xenophobia. This prompted an opportunistic student competing in the next Civics Rep elections to promise to build a wall around the HP block and make the science students pay for it.

Astute students were also able to tackle the question on majority rule with a clever argument. They reasoned that just as a good school should only concern itself with “the inculcation of positive mainstream values and attitudes about sexuality”, any good government would be foolish to waste time on anything not endorsed by the majority.

They went on to suggest that schools and the government should not only teach archaic conceptions of gender roles and family structures, but racial roles and stereotypes as well. Students pointed to classic characters in old social studies textbooks like Mrs Tan the teacher and Mr Ali the bus driver, and how their removal hindered a traditional social studies education.

Speaking to Waffle Press reporters, a student who attempted the question on parenting said that he had more than enough arguments to choose from. He credits his wealth of knowledge on the issue to his mother’s rants about children these days. This prompted the Millikan Institute’s pedagogy department to investigate the hypothesis that “only 90s kids can answer this question”.

Important questions like: which Pokemon is this?

Student are advised not to worry too much about how they think they did since the GP marking process is fully automated and minimally related to the actual content of essays. Tutor Mr Mek Shi Tup was optimistic about the quantity of Bull produced by the students, providing much needed hope to students as they head into their CT1s.